Hot Times In Hyrule: Sex, Sex, & Kwicksand
by TBoneTony
Summary: Read my storys teh the best. This is an ultra cool story read now! :Read my profile for an explaination: OH YAAAH!
1. Medley of Perversion

A/N: Heya, everyone. I'se TBoneTony and I'se a grate writer. I'se a better writer than u. I like lemons and fluff and my storys are so totally wickedly cool awwsome they are cool. I bet u will be shocked and uppalled by my storys. I like to write. So I write for myself, not you. Go shove your flames up your butt, cuz I never ever ever will listen and I'se just keep on writing smut. Smut turns me on, yeaah. For more info read my profile, seriously man. It'll explan things.

I was having wet dreams when I was 3, so I started writing fluffy lemons. I LIKE ZELDA! rock on, she's cool's what she is. I have no girlfriend and I never have. I'se cool two. I'se a pervert and girls having sexx turns me on. I can't get no girl to have sex with me, so I have to buy videos. I don't know why. I'se cool. I knows about writing's what I know about. I should be wolking down teh streets and the girls go, "Oh tony ride my pony! Hehe!" If you want to give me some relashunship adive, review plz! OMG! Story time! Don't get affended gurls!

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One day Princess Zelda was in her room knocking herself up when a snake came in and ate her. She cried, "Ow, my ovaries!" She went telelelelepathick with Link and he rode on his stallion Epona and he saved her what he did. He cut teh snake's head off and then fucked up Zelda. She imagined she was in quicksand what she did imagine. The end.

Kwiksand cool, I like it. I'se never been in it, but it rapes girls so it must be cooool's what it must be cause I like sexx. If anyone knows any hot man eatin plant scenes from Zelda I'se be cool. Review me and don't flame! World peace, hizzah!

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One dae Link fell into Zelda's garden and yelled, "Fuckin shiiiiiiiit" what he yelled and Zelda heard. She took him into her soundproof bedroom and fucked him up a bazillion times in a row man she's horny. Link told her that slime was eating her and a Deku plant was sucking his member off. That's just Zelda's what it was. They climaxed a bazillion times in a row, Zelda sang him a crap lullaby, the end.

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One day Link tuk Zelda and Malon campin and all 3 of them rode Epona his trusty stallion who had sexx with Ruto (whoa, transgender! I just got an erecktion writing this!) and Malon put bugs in Zelda's sleeping bag and took of Zelda's clothes. I don't know how one takes off sumone's clothes while thaze asleep. I should try it. In the meantime Link was off having an orgy with 9 Gerudos, Ganunderf, Shiek, and Navi's what he did dude. Next Zelda cut off Malon's dress, whaaaaaaaa. Pretty kinky. Then the two womens ran into kwicksand (omg, another erecktion, one minute) and the sand raped their womunhoods so they knocked each uther up. Link sizaved them cuz he's a hero and then sed, "Doh, how's about a 3some relashunship" kinky. They all fucked each uther and dey were happy.

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One day Link was gunna take Zelda to the adult video store on a date but she got raped by blue slime in her bathtub her father forgot to pay da water bill that stupid jackass. So Link saves her and takes her for tea and dimsung. Dat night she has dream that she in kwicksand (hold on---another erecktion) but Link dudn't save her. She wake up going, "whaaaaaaaa, Link, fuck me or I throw tantrum" so they fuck each other, the end.

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Dude, my story awwsomely rocks review review review! Yeeaaaaah! It is unique and I be devious! 


	2. Wet Dreams

Well, let me just say thanks. I do mean that. Never did I expect to get so much support for a simple little fic. In fact, I thought I would have flames pouring in from all directions, but instead I got more positive statements than I would think possible. It gives me a great feeling to know that my "beliefs" are shared amongst so many of you. Since this is an internet community and we can't go after :the accused: with pitchforks, why don't you just give a little glance at the bonus chapter of _Hot Times_, eh?

I only intended for this story to be a one-shot, but now that the quicksand whore has been resurrected (it seems he was banned for writing smut and yet returned to write even more…typical), I felt like I would give just one more little go at turning something ridiculous into something funny. In case you didn't know, his most recent fic features Zelda being raped by quicksand (…must I comment on how SICK that is?), Link being given a blow job by a man eating plant, Zelda being raped by a snake, and then them both going for a nice fuck in the finale. Ta da. I might ask why the author constantly professes that he hates "rape and adultery", and yet continues to have the heroines of his stories assaulted by horny animals and mud. But who am I to analyze the disturbed mind of the accused? Instead, this little fic you're about to read will do the analyzing. As I write this intro, I can promise it will be at least a couple pages longer than the previous chapter and you'll probably get double the laughs. Continue at your own risk.

Before I do kick this off, I'd like to say that while I will be writing this with abhorrent grammar and spelling, the accused has improved in that area. However, in my sister's words, "If his fics were a toilet, they would be unfit to be used as a vessel for the chunky vomit of a man who has done nothing but drink vodka and eat enchiladas all night long." Well said, Angela. Well said.

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Link be's in Termina one day, savin the world again. He beens all over Termina, killin monsturs (ooo, I wonder if he incowntered any snakes who gave him a nice rape! Rape is kinky!) and saving things, having orgies, fucking girls, collecting masks, masturbating, and generally havin a swell time. After finishin up a nice romp with a cow, he fell asleep from sheer exhaustion (omg, that had three hole sillables! Big word!) and snored like a piggy.

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Meanwhile, back at the whorehouse, Zelda sure was missin Link because she'd only been able to fuck herself lately. She cryed, "Ohh, Link, if you get your stupid ass slaughtered where it can't be mine anymore, I sad." Then, she had a warm cup of cum and went to beddy bye.

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Next thing Link knows, he's wolkin threw a forest! WOW! He had a question mark over his head that reminded him of a penis with erectile disfuntshun. He was glad he didn't have that problum; after all, his got plenty of excersize. He thought about the strip club he visited once when suddenly some vines shot out from a bush and wrapped around his chest!

"AIEE!" Link screamed like a little girly girl! He was dragged through the undurgrwoth and into a clearing. "WHAHAHA!" He lucked down and saw he was in a plant! But not just any plant…A MAN-RAPING HORNY PLANT OF DOOOM! As the horruble jaws overtook his body, he decided a nice fuck was in order anyway and stopped fighting. The plant gave him a blowjob, ate all his clothes, spat him out, and Link went along his marry way.

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Meanwhile, Zelda found herself on the shore of a pretty lake. But..she didn't have no clothes on! WAAAAAH! OMG! She had ample breast man! She thought she'd go for a swim but instead she got stuck in kwicksand! DOUBLE WAAAAAH and OMG! NAKED GURLS IN KWICKSAND! I just got a massive erecktion! I bet you did, too! So the quicksand raped her, she said "Waaah, do not brake my virgin shield, you bad kwicksand," but that horny mud didn't listen got inside her womunhood. Mmm, kinky. Linky Kinky save her and they climb tree to make sweet luuuv.

But Zelda fell asleep. DAMMIT!

Meanwhile, the SEXUAL PREDATOR SERPENT OF DOOOM had wrapped it's sleek, muscular body around the cupel and stuck itself inside princess z (…I must get me a pet snake…) and they woke up, Zelda says "wahhh, I do know that I be raped by snakey" she got hypononotied and said "mmm fuck harder snake". Link meanwhile gets entranced by the fake whore-skank Zelda who had no idea how to initiate a nice fuck (but I have no gurlfreind, how wud I know?) and she said "we live in snake belly now. nice fuck all time." but stupid branch broke so nice fuck all time didn't happen.

Link caught branch and Zelda by smelly armpit. Zelda happened to wake up. "oh no we've been eaten and probably been raped by monsters waahhh"

They say they love each other and a bag o chips, Linky Kinky slip and MATRIX MODE! Big horny kiss is slo-mo in air! Then, they fall but they ok!

BUT THEY LAND IN KWICKSAND, OMG!

"oh dear," Link said. "we in kwicksand. Zelda, my love, shall we save ourselves by escaping from this or shall we fuck each other's brains out and die a slow, horrible, painful death and be eternally lost in this mire?"

Dey look at each other and said in unision, "oh, definitely the sex part."

But den dat nasty pervey kwicksand try to rape Zelda again by Link knocks her up and she is happy and horny. Dey have organisms, waaah. Then the kicksand try going after her breast, but Link say "no, shoo shoo" and start squeezing em. Then teh kwicksand eat dem, but dey woke up and they don't get eaten. Kwicksand and fuck without dying, lucky.

On opposite sides of the world, Link and Zelda simultaneously wake up and realize dey have problem wit wet dream, the end.

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Review review review isn't it goooood? It's the most romantick thing you ever read and so suspenseful I want pet snake so it and me can fuck each other kinky huh?

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On a final thought, I must raise a point. In the original story, Zelda does say, and I quote word for word, "we've probably been raped by monsters". Considering how she was fully conscious up until she started acting like a whore…Don't you think she'd fucking know if she'd been fucking RAPED! There's no "probably" about it. When you've got a sex crazed snake penetrating your vagina (the thought sickens me to no extent; keep in mind, _he_ likes this stuff), you can be pretty sure you're being raped.

Just a thought.

I will probably make another chapter that is a lengthy interpretation of _Zelda swallowed by a snake_, which, in my opinion, was one of the worst fics he ever wrote. As evidenced by the immortal line cried by Zelda when the snake bites her…um…more sensitive areas…"Ow, my ovaries!"


	3. Wet Dreams: VERSION DEUX

**Hello, lovelies. It has been a while since I've last been out from the dark and cavernous inferno which is my mind. Just for some catching up, I've got a few things to say:**

**I'd like to reveal a little bit about myself by saying that I'm actually a fourteen year old girl with a rather cynical and sarcastic sense of humor. I try to bring out the humor in things by snarkily mocking the bad aspects. I love satires and parodies, which largely influence my writing style. Anyone read the Movies In Fifteen Minutes series by Cleolinda Jones on LiveJournal? That right there is my inspiration.**

**This chapter will differ in style from the previous two in that it is the actual original text with "wankings" by me in bold print. Some might frown upon the fact that I'm exploiting the original material, but I am in no way taking credit for the author's work. The only things that I've written are the comments in bold. **

**A couple of completely random and pointless things I've noticed about our dear author's fics:**

**1.The characters always seem to say "ugh" when they are in a strenuous situation. ALWAYS. Also, they seem to talk to themselves a lot. Seemingly stating the obvious, i.e, "Oh, I am I in quicksand?" I do not understand. Do their alternate personalities answer these things?**

**2.Why is quicksand always raping the women and "breaking their virgin shields"? As the lovely anime animal (I believe it was) tried (in vain) to make our dear author understand, it's IMPOSSIBLE to lose your virginity to a friggin' LIQUID.**

**3.Why are the characters always so freaking oblivious of the situations around them? For instance, in the chapter you are about to read, Link doesn't notice that his legs are trapped in a man-eating plant until he blatantly looks down. Same with being in quicksand. Gets Link some glasses**

**My deepest, deepest gratitude goes to anime animal for enlightening me to the fact that he's now polluting where I've found plenty of new material to lampoon. I'd like to dedicate this chapter to her.**

**Once again, at the risk of sounding repetitive, I would like to assert that I DO NOT take credit for this entire chapter. The comments in bold text were added by me. The original author does not wish me to give his name and I will certainly oblige. L'anyhoodle, on with the freakshow.**

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Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine, they are the property of Nintendo and should not be used in any illegal way in order to make money out of them. is a public domain site where fans can write what ever they want as long as they acknowledge where the characters come from. 

If any character is used in order to gain money then Shigeru Miyamoto will not be happy **(he probably also wouldn't be happy if he knew you were completely twisting and corrupting the Zelda legend by writing such abhorrent fanfictions, but, hey, ignorance is bliss)**.

**From the vault of crap titles to go with crap stories, our dear author presents: **Dreaming of you, in quicksand.

---------------Termina Day 3. 8:00 pm 4 hours until midnight. 10 hours remaining.------------------------

A 18 year old Link **(nice to see that we're sticking to canon, here) **looked out of the window of the stock pot inn where he had stayed many restless nights through his adventure. He had to save the world in 3 day and already he was tired. Well it was made easier when he got his ocarina back from that Skull kid with that spooky mask. That kid was the reason why he was stuck here in this parallel world.

As Link was pondering over what he had to do tonight. He had just got some magic Romani milk from the bar and all he had to do was to wait for 4 more hours to face his destiny.

Tatl was flying around the room and asked Link. "Hey, when this is all over, can you stay with us? The Skull kid is not really a bad person, he was only messed up with that mask. He really needs a true friend. **Plus, just think of all the crazy smex situations that could come out of THAT housing arrangement.**"

Link looked back at the fairy that had helped him **many a lonely, lonely night **through his adventure.

"Look Tatl, I have more things that need me back at my home in Hyrule, I know you are friends with this Skull kid but then this is all over, I need to go back to my home in Hyrule." Said Link as he looked down to his ocarina. "I have someone special that needs me more than you realise."

"oh" whispered Tatl thoughtfully. "Is it a girl you like?"

Link's face grew beet red and he turned around.

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Link shouted to Tatl trying to hide his emotions. "It is NOT like that! **It's a friggin' HERMAPHRODITE! Why does everyone always assume that shim is a girl!**"

"Link, I can see **it in your pants **on your face when we helped Anju to be reunited with Kafei. I can see it on your face that you were also thinking of that someone you love back home. Fairies can read the minds of those they are connected to."

Link knew that Tatl was right, he has been thinking of someone he had loved. He had only been gone for 3 days but with all the time-travelling Link had done, it seemed like Link had been away from the one he loved for 3 months.

They were still good friends but Link had never told her that he loved her and from the experience of helping Anju and Kafei, Link had learned that he should tell her what he feels about her. Even if she did not feel the same way, the pain of missing her would not hurt as much if he had found out what she truly felt about him in return before he left .

Link turned towards his bed and got under the covers, it had been a busy 3 days for him and he needed to rest in order to prepare himself for battel against the Mask and the moon.

"Make sure you wake me at 11:30 pm Tatl, I don't want to wake up with the moon smashing into my face **(then again, who does?)**." Said Link.

"No worries Link, I will not fail you." Replied Tatl.

As Link drifted off to sleep, he could hear Anju and Kafei talking words of love to each other from the next room in the inn. Then Link started to think of the girl he loves back in Hyrule, there are so many things he wanted to tell her but when he would get home to Hyrule, he had to hold those words until he would see her again. As Link fell deeper into the realms of sleep, one word escaped from his lips….Zelda.

------------------------Hyrule Castle----------------------

Over in the kingdom of Hyrule, a lonely 19 year old princess looked out of her window and sighed as another day went past without knowing if Link was still alive. It had been 3 days since Link was reported missing and she had only herself to blame.

"Why, why dose **of hallucinogens **my heart sink into more pain as another sunset passes? Why did I not stop him from leaving this safe kingdom if I had known of the danger he is in now **(tries to translate into English, but head explodes in the process)**?"

Many people around Hyrule had not realised this but Zelda and Link had been connected to the triforce and that enabled them to feel what the other feels for some time. But with Link trapped in another world, her communication with him had been cut off. Many guards and even her father, the king of Hyrule had not believed her when she came screaming in to warn them about Link's disappearance from this world. **(Zelda: bursts into the throne room screaming AUUUUUUUGGGGHHHH! LINK IS DED!...King of Hyrule: _Christ, _will someone give her a sedative so she'll shut the hell up?)**

Tears came falling from her eyes as she cried **(Wow, tears fell from her eyes _as she cried? _That's amazing!) **in fear and pain in her heart. She never felt this way about Link before. She had taken him for granted from every adventure he went through, she had known that he was always going to arrive home safe. Now she was not sure if Link could ever come back alive.

"Why had I not told him about what I feel about him now?" She sobbed as she fell onto her bed. "Why did I not have the guts to tell Link I love him? **Why am I talking to myself? Am I INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE!**"

Then as those 3 words escaped her mouth, Zelda repeated them over and over again.

"I love him, I love, him. Please goddesses, Din, Nayru and Farore. I love Link and I can't live my life without him. Please bring him home back to me." Zelda screamed into her pillow and her emotions became too much for her to stay awake.

Zelda then became very sleepy from all the water she had washed from her eyes and then she slowly **ap**pealed her dress off her lovely body and got under the covers. Zelda was too tied to put on her night gown. **Of course she was.**

As Zelda slept naked in her large queen size bed, she tried to think about happier times she had with Link as she realised that no matter what she could do, the fate of Link was out of her hands.

---------------------Start of Link's Dream------------------------

Link walked through the forest with a question mark over his head.

"What is this, why am I here? Am I in the lost woods? Where is Tatl, and why is there a question mark over my head?" Link said to himself as the (?) sign slowly disappeared after he stopped thinking to himself **(Congratulations; that was POINTLESS!)**.

All of this made no sense to Link **or anyone else reading this story **as he wondered through the thick undergrowth of the forest.

Then suddenly, a large vine circled around Link's chest and before he saw it coming, Link was lassoed by the vine and he was dragged through all the trees and bushes till he came to an abrupt stop.

"WHAAHH**AHAHAHAHEHE**!" Link screamed. "What was that?"

He looked around to his new surroundings and as he looked down, Link gasped.

There he was, wrapped up in vines and his feet to his chest were inside a large bulb of a plant.

"How did I get here **(I'm sure the friggin vine that just dragged you through the friggin' forest had nothing to do with it)**?" shouted Link and suddenly he felt the plant push itself around his whole body.

Link cried out in pain as he felt all the clothes on his body being ripped by the powerful suction of the plants lips that were around him.

"No, not my tunic, my sward **(what in hell's bells is a sward?oO)**, my shield. This is just like a….Like-like monster." Link gasped as his tunic was ripped from his chest and his shoulder became sore from the powerful tear his tunic made.

But the plant kept attacking Link, it was trying to pull him down further.

"No…must… not….let….it…pull me….down….ugh!" Link struggled as the plant continued to suck his body further down it's mouth.

"Oh Farore, this thing is trying to eat me…NO!" Link yelled again as he felt the vines trap his arms, now he could not move them.

Link pushed left and right, back and forward but no matter how much he tried to wiggle himself out of the plant's bulb, he could not escape from the sucking pressure.

His eyes grew wide and her felt another sucking pressure inside the plant grab hold of him. His mouth opened wide in disbelief and horror as he felt himself become hard and the plants sucking pressure became harder on him.

"Oh my goddess….ugh….this plant….Ugh….is…..trying…..ugh….to rape me…UGH…UGH!" Link was horrified to feel that plant use him this way. He had fought against many monsters but nothing that tried to use his desires against him. He only wanted Zelda to do this to him. Not some plant that is trying to eat him.

Link felt the sweet on his forehead drip **(the sweet on his forehead…okaay) **from his face as the plant continued to suck him harder and push his body deeper into its bulb.

Then Link felt his legs buckle under the pressure inside the plant and he gasped as the plant sucked him in up to his neck.

"Ugh…must…break….free…ugh…oh no….UGH…..mphh." Link yelled as the vines wrapped around his mouth and then around his neck trying to choke him.

Link felt his energy fading fast and himself becoming harder inside the plant. The pain was so intense that he did not know how long he would last.

Then Link felt the lips of the plant close over his face and in a matter of seconds, Link was sucked inside the massive bulb of the man eating plant.

Link had his eyes closed as sap poured over his entire body. He could not breathe, he could not see, all that he could hear was the beating of the plant's veins inside its bulb and the incredible pain of the sucking pressure the plant continued to inflict his body.

Link tried to hang on for dear life but it seemed that this was the end. As the orgasmic pressure builded him inside him, Link screamed out all of his air and his body thrashed inside the plant threatening to explode itself.

Then Link lay still, his hair matted to his face, all he could think of was Zelda, he could not move as the plant continued to suck his body deeper to digest his soul forever.

-----------------Start of Zelda's dream--------------

Zelda found herself lost in a forest.

"What, how did I get here?" the princess thought to herself.

Then she looked down at herself, and realised that she was naked **(of course!)**.

"Where are all my clothes?" she gasped.

A bright pink flush of embarrassment came across her face, Zelda did not know how she got here but the only thing for her to do was to find a way out of here.

As Zelda was walking through the forest, she did not feel that bad, it felt natural for her to be naked in the forest, there was nobody around, nothing that seemed to be threatening. All she wanted was to find some water so she can bathe herself **(uhh…why does she want to bathe herself…did I miss something?)**.

She was walking for almost 30 minutes when she saw the most beautiful lake the princess had ever seen. It was crystal blue and it had rocks all around the edges and a triforce triangle carved out on each of the rocks.

"Wow, this place is beautiful." Zelda said as she was astounded by all the detail.

As she stepped into the water, Zelda realised that it felt shallow, she could not make any sense out of it because the water looked deep. But she was only knee deep. Plus Zelda could not see her toes in the water.

The princess of Hyrule continued to step out in the middle of the lake until she realised that she could not move her feet.

"Hey, what is this?" Zelda asked herself when she felt her feet froze.

She looked down and gasped in horror as the water changed colour/color from deep blue to light brown, plus the water became more solid and grainy.

Then Zelda's mouth opened wide in terror as she saw her knees disappear beneath the surface.

"Oh goddess, it's quicksand." gasped Zelda as she screamed and tried to push her legs up and down to try and get out of there.

But the quicksand held her lovely legs and she continued to sink up to her thighs.

"Help, somebody, I'm in quicksand. Help me!" Zelda cried out loud and wished that there was someone here to help her. But there was no response and she was all alone.

As the sand came up to her hips, Zelda let out a frightful gasp as she felt the quicksand enter inside her.

"Oh, no it cant be?" Zelda was on the verge of loosing her mind**...oops, too late!**

The quicksand probed itself inside her, touching her like no man could do.

Zelda was breathing faster as she saw the quicksand rise more to her navel, her belly button was filled up and the princess felt the pressure of the quicksand taking hold of her.

"Oh, the quicksand." Zelda gasped. "It's alive, and it's touching me."

Then Zelda felt the quicksand move more inside her, breaking her virgin shied **as mud tends to do**.

"UGH, NO.." she gasped. "The quicksand…ugh…is trying ….to ugh….RAPE ME!" (**Word, yo. I can't go swimming anymore because of that damn horny water.)**

The quicksand was moving her body up and down and Zelda was in total shock, her eyes were wide with terror and she tried to push her arms in to try and make it stop hurting her. But to her horror, the quicksand only sucked in Zelda's arms and she could not move them.

"OH NO, I'm trapped. HELP, somebody, HELP ME UGH." Zelda screamed in pain once again as the quicksand grabbed her sensitive breasts.

"Augh, No…ugh…Not my breasts….ugh…ugh….Ugh….UGh….UGH….UGH…UGH**UGHUGHUGH**! **And did I mention UGH!**" Fear increased in Zelda's heart as the quicksand tighten itself around her body, it had parted her legs under the surface to to get more of itself inside her.

"No….can't ….break…free…..ugh….quicksand…..raping…..me**...this...does not...compute...**….Ugh……can't…..breathe…..UGH!" Zelda panted erratically and her pitch rose as the quicksand continued to move her up and down.

The quicksand rose above Zelda's shoulders and closed itself around her neck.

"Augh…no…ugh….help. UGH!" Zelda choked as she could not breathe in any more.

Sweet continued to drip from her forehead and her long hair flower all around her head remaining on the surface. Zelda could not move, she could not stop the quicksand from raping her and from the looks of it, the quicksand was going to eat her and swallow her under.

Orgasmic waves were building up inside her chest as Zelda let out one last scream.

"Augh…ugh…HELP ME LINK….. UUGGHHH!" Zelda shouted through the forest as her whole body exploded in one massive climax generated by the quicksand.

Zelda looked up to the sky as her eyes closed from exhaustion, it would only be a matter of time before the quicksand would finish her.

"I'm coming Link." whispered Zelda as she prayed her undying love for him as she felt her face slowly disappear under the quicksand.

----------------------Back to Link---------------------------

Link gasped in precious air as he survived his ordeal with the plant. His eyes looked at the dead bulb and the vines that lay shrivelled in front on it.

"How did I survive that?" Link asked to himself.

He had no clothes, no sward, no shield, only his body and soul remained laying on the forest floor.

"HELP ME LINK!" a scream echoed through the woods.

Link's eyes widen as he heard the scream, it sounded like someone he knew but he had no idea who it was, anyway Link was the hero of time so he had to save the damsel in distress. Link heard the pleas for help disappear but he had a feeling of where they were coming from.

So Link acted on instinct and made his way to save the girl, even if he was naked that was not the main concern.

----------------------Back to Zelda----------------------

Zelda was hanging on for dear life as she moved her chin up and out of the quicksand.

"Please….someone……help…me." Zelda whispered faintly as she did not have much energy left in her body to shout anymore.

Her eyes were closed, her ears disappeared under the surface, her face was framed and she did not have long to live as the quicksand was slowly dragging her frail body under.

"This is it, I'm dying." She moaned before her mouth was coved my quicksand.

The princess felt her soul leave her body as her head disappeared under the surface, only leaving her hair above to eventually follow her doomed corpse.

Link broke through the clearing to see blond hair on the surface of the quicksand.

He acted quickly and saw a large tree branch hanging over the hair slowly disappearing.

The hero of time bravely climbed onto the branch and turned himself upside-down with his legs holding his balance on the branch.

Link quickly dived his hands into the quicksand as the hair slowly disappeared to follow the female victim and Link searched for a good place to grab her.

After some hard work Link finally grabbed the girl under her armpits and he pulled her up.

As the face of the victim rose above, Link was surprised to realise that the person he had just saved was none other than princess Zelda.

"Zelda, it that you?" Link gasped in surprise and he continued to pull her body out of the quicksand.

Zelda only gasped and choked out sand as she was slowly pulled free from the quicksand's grip.

Moments later, Link dragged Zelda's body up the branches of the tree to get her away from the deadly quicksand that was bubbling aggressively from losing its victim.

"Zelda, Zelda, can you hear me? Wake up princess." Link stared into her face as he tried everything to make Zelda wake up.

Then as her eyes fluttered open, Zelda gasped in deep breathes as she looked around herself. Then she saw Link and her face was shocked but also happy to see him again.

"Link, what happened to me?" she asked Link.

"You were almost swallowed by the quicksand, but don't worry, you are safe now." Link explained to her.

Tears fell from Zelda's eyes as the princess of Hyrule buried her face into Link's bare chest and cried.

"Oh Link." she sobbed. "I thought I would never see you again, what had happened to you?"

Link thought about it for a minute, he knew he had been trapped in another world but he had somehow forgotten how he made it back home. But then this was not needed to be talked about now. He had to comfort Zelda from the trauma her body had to experience when she was in the quicksand.

Link put his arms around her and slowly embraced her in a deep cuddle.

"It's ok Zelda, how I disappeared and how I made it back can wait for another time. All we have to think of at the moment now is that we are together again." Link whispered softly in her ear.

"Link, I'm so scared." Zelda's tear marks were staining her face as she sobbed. "This place has things that have been trying to rape me, eat me and destroy my soul. I want to go home."

"Don't worry Zelda, we will be back in Hyrule soon."

Link leaned back so he could rest on the tree, it felt soft and not too itchy to have his bare skin rub on the bark of the strongest part of the tree.

Zelda leaned up close to Zelda, not caring if they were naked, she felt safe in Link's arms. She could feel him touch her thigh but she did not care about that. To cuddle naked with Link was like making love to him, it was like a special way to make love to her hero without it being in a sexual way **(completely non-sexual. COMPLETELY.**. Then Zelda felt her eye lids slowly become heavy as she slept with Link up in the tall tree and felt his heart beat next to hers.

**Cue SEXUAL PREDATOR SERPENT OF DOOOM: **While Link and Zelda were asleep, huge long muscly coils **(Muscly coils? Mucus coils? Waaa?)** on the tree branches on top of where the loving couple had been sleeping. A large head of a python slowly slithered down and studied these strange intruders of its home. The snake licked its forked tongue and moved closer to its potential prey.

Link felt something warm wrap around him and he was pulled closer to Zelda, but he did not want to get too close. Suddenly he felt an extra warm feeling all around his body. He felt that Zelda was moving closer to him every second. As if she wanted to get closer to him. Suddenly Link felt Zelda's heart beat faster next to him, the skin to skin contact was so incredible that Link could not control himself any longer. He thought that if Zelda felt this close to him and she wanted to be closer, then he may as well go along with the ride because he felt the same feelings for her. Then Link moved his legs even more closer to Zelda as he prepared to make the biggest move in his life. But he could not do it. It was not because he was too nervous, it was because something else was blocking his path to Zelda.

Link's eyes shot open as he saw Zelda's eyes wide in shook and terror, sweat was falling from her face and he could feel her breasts next to his chest being squeezed into him harder by the seconds that they stared into each others eyes.

"Link?" gasped Zelda. "Is that you I feel inside me?"

Link's jaw hung open in fear, if he was not inside her, then who was?

He looked down to see long coils of muscle and dark scaly skin all around their naked bodies.

Link's chest began to heave next to Zelda and the muscles tighten their coils around them.

"LINK, BEHIND YOU!" shouted Zelda.

Link turned his neck around and looked behind to see the face if the monster that was closer to him than he thought.

"NO it's a snake." Link whispered in shook** (Thank you, Captain Obvious)**.

He tried to move his arms but they were bounded together being pushed into Zelda's back.

"Link….it's inside me….the snake is RAPING ME!" Zelda screamed as she felt the snake push its tail further inside her and wrap itself around everything inside her most sacred place of her body.

Link tried to move his hands down Zelda's back to try and pull out the tail but already he was too tied up to help her.

The huge python continued to circle itself around its victims and pulled them closer together.

"UGH…Link…it's…hurting…me…UGH" moaned Zelda as she felt that her bones were about to crack.

"Zelda, hang in there. I'm going to free us." Link tried to comfort Zelda.

But by the way Zelda had her eyes closed and her mouth wide open in pain, Link knew he had to think fast before this snake was going to kill them both.

Suddenly the squeezing stopped, Link tried to move to his left but the snake was too powerful to move against its strong embrace.

"There must be someway to get out." Link thought to himself.

He turned his head towards Zelda but he saw that Zelda was moving her head side to side with her eyes lids half open.

"The….snake….it's….eyes…." Zelda gasped as she swayed her head from left to right.

Link had a quick glance of the snake's head behind him and stared in horror as he felt the hypnotic rays come out of it's eyes. He quickly shake his had to come out of the trance and yelled to Zelda.

"Quick Zelda, turn you head away. It is trying to put you under its spell. ZELDA, SPEEK **(SPOCK! SPOCKY!) **TO ME!"

But it was no use. Zelda's eyes fell like rocks and she was asleep.

"NO, ZELDA!" Link yelled into her face to try and wake up the sleeping princess. "WAKE UP OR WE WILL BE EATEN. ZELDA, SPEEK TO ME. SAY SOMETHING!"

Tears formed in Link's eyes. Who ever said that big boys don't cry was totally wrong **(incessant high-pitched laughter)**.

"Zelda, please wake up." sobbed the hero of time. "Please say something."

"Link…."

Link opened his eyes, he was so happy to hear her voice.

"Zelda. You're awake?" Link asked her with hope in his heart.

"Yes I am, now look into my eyes. We can get out of here." said Zelda.

Link could feel the same hypnotic powers from her as he did from the snake.

Link quickly turned his eyes away from her.

"You are not Zelda!" he shouted without looking directly into her face.

"Yes I am, trust me, I am setting us free." said Zelda in a low and seductive voice.

Link felt the snakes coils begin to fall.

He opened his eyes in shock to see all the scaly muscles around him slowly drop off.

"This is too easy." Link said in disbelief.

"Oh, you want me to prove it too you. Well let me show you how I its done." explained Zelda.

The princess slowly moved her body, swaying it like a belly dancer. **(Sings: NEVER KNEW THAT SHE COULD DANCE LIKE 'DIS! SHE MAKE A MAN WANNA SPEAK SPANISH! COMO SE LLAMA, BONITA, MI CASA SU CASA, SHAKIRA SHAKIRA!)**

Link looked down to avoid her eyes but was spellbound by her body.

Zelda leaned herself up and moved her breasts so Link was looking at them strait in front of his eyes.

Link was spellbound by her breasts as they slowly swing left to right and back again. Her nipples glowed red **(ooer) **and Link tried to turn his head. But he did not move, his eyes were wide open and he could not move his head away from their hypnotic swaying.

"Can't….move….ugh." Link moaned as he felt tired.

"That's right Link, you are getting sleepy, very sleepy." Zelda softly whispered to charm Link with her seductiveness.

Before Link had realised it, the snake had already had him and Zelda under its power. It used Zelda as its first victim and used her seductive powers of her attractive body against Link.

"Fall to sleep, Link. Fall to sleep. Rest your head and close your eyes." Zelda sang her lullaby and it was at this moment that Link was under her complete control, or under the snake's complete control as it used Zelda as its puppet to seduce Link with its hypnotic powers.

"Kiss me Link, kiss my body." Zelda asked Link in a seductive tone.

Link opened his eyes as if he was in a daze.

"Anything you want, my princess." he replied.

Link was trapped deep inside his mind, he could not control his body and neither could Zelda. The power of the snakes spell that they were under was so strong that it made them do things that they would not do in reality. That was because the pythons spell was one that exploits the hidden feelings of the victim and uses it against them. With Link's and Zelda's hidden feelings still undiscovered towards both of them, the snake found it far more easier to take advantage of its new victims.

Link moved his lips over Zelda's breasts and kissed her nipples passionately, making her gasp and moan from the sensation the princess found inside her body.

"Link, kiss me lower."

Link followed her orders and licked his way down her belly, digging his tongue inside her belly button to give her more than a good tickle.

He then moved lower and he pushed up his arms to bring Zelda higher so he could reach down to her sacred realms.

As Link licked down further at her golden curly hair, the snake who was pulling all of the stings with its victims decided it was time to speed up the process of meal time.

It used its hypnotic powers to move the female victim so she turned herself around to make her back can lean against the male victim. The snake also made sure that the male victim was holding his ground to they won't fall off the tree and plunge into the darkness below.

As Zelda softly laid her back against Link's muscly chest she purred as Link moved his hands all over her.

"Oh Link, don't stop touching me." She gasped.

Link moved his hands lower and they eventually found their way inside Zelda. She moaned as Link explored everywhere inside her.

The python licked its lips and decided it was time he would wrap things up between its two victims.

The snake slithered its long scaly body around the two love birds and circled around their hips, making Link go inside Zelda from behind her.

"Oh Link. Please don't stop." Zelda moaned.

"Anything you want princess." replied Link.

The snake circled around them and pressed their bodies tighter together. It wrapped 2 coils around their bellies, pressing all the air out of them, then one around their chests. Zelda gasped as the snake pushed her breasts into her chest. And the 4th coil went around their shoulders locking the arms inside the mass of scaly muscles of coils around Link and Zelda's bodies.

Link felt his chest was being merged against Zelda's back, he was finding it harder to breathe deep in the snakes hug.

Zelda also found it hard to breathe but still kept on moaning from Link's fingers touching her and from the scaly muscles of skin that was wrapped around her breasts stimulating her nipples.

Sweet was dripping from the victim's heads as the snake moved between them. The snake slithered around Link's head to get a coil around his neck, then it went around Zelda's neck and it was only a matter of time before they would be finished.

Zelda moaned louder "Oh LINK, this is what was meant to be. Soon we will be living forever inside the belly of the great python…ughh…."

The snake started to put on the big squeeze and both Link and Zelda were starting to turn blue as the python was slowly beginning to choke them to death.

Suddenly the branch broke.

The snake let out a surprise hiss and quickly unwrap itself from its meal and slithered onto a safer branch. But it had to give up its meal in the process as the bodies of Link and Zelda disappeared into darkness.

Zelda woke up and she was surprised to see Link hanging onto her under her armpits with one arm and the other holding a tree branch.

"What happened Link." she asked. "How did we get away from that python?"

Link was just as confused as she was.

"I don't know Zelda, but I think we have been hanging around here for too long. We need to get back to Hyrule." suggested Link

Zelda looked down, but all she could see was darkness.

"Link." she said to Link. "I don't know if we would ever get out of this place."

"Don't say things like that Zelda. If you do then we will never get out." Link tried to cheer her spirits.

"Look Link, we are lost, we are naked, we have been attacked, eaten and probably been raped by monsters **(sings 'CAUSE YOU HAD A BAD DAY! YOU'RE TAKING ONE DOWN! SING A SAD SONG JUST TO TURN IT AAAARRROUND!) ** It is dark and all for I know, we are doomed." Zelda began to cry.

Link looked down to her face to see tears come out of her eyes, he never saw Zelda cry before. If his other hand was not so busy**...(snigger)...**holding onto the branch as a lifeline then he could have wiped the tears off her face, no he would hold her in his arms and tell her everything was going to be ok if they stick together. But now even that was not going to stop Zelda crying. So Link looked deep into his own heart and said something he had been wanting to say to Zelda for a long time.

"Zelda, I know we are stuck between a rock and a hard place, to put it quite frankly I guess we are hanging on by a limb **(is dead from bad pun)**. But I have faced many monsters during my life and believe me, they have all been scary. They have not tried to rape me like the monsters in this world, except for the Like-likes that have eaten my tunics and shields **those bastards **but one thing that has always kept me going was you Zelda. The thought of never seeing you again was as painful to my heart as it was for a dragon to burn my soul with its breath of fire **(How fucking eloquent. Not)**. You are my reason for survival. You are my reason for never giving up. To see you give up like this Zelda makes me wonder why I ever fell in love with you." Link stopped in shock to what he just said.

Zelda stopped crying, turned around in Link's arm that was holding her and pulled herself up to look as Link in his eyes.

"What did you just say Link" she whispered to his face **(Zelda: That's right! Say it TO MA' FACE, HOR!)**.

Link repeated what he just said. But only the last few words with better grammar.

"I love you, Zelda." said Link "You are the true reason why I am still alive today. If it was not for you, I could have been killed by now"

Zelda was stunned, she knew that she was someone special to Link but she never thought that he would feel for her in this way. Princesses could not fall in love with normal common teenage boys like Link but she thought that Link never went to school in order to know that** (Yeah, in my school they offered an entire course on "Why Princesses Shouldn't Fall In Love With Normal Common Teenage Boys Like Link")**. But it was clear as the triforce on the back of their hands, Link was in love with her and now it was her turn to say something.

"Link, I **am your father**…" Zelda began to say before the branch they were hanging on for dear life started to break.

Link's eyes opened wide in horror as Zelda slipped from his other hand.

"ZELDA, NOOOO!" shouted Link.

"LINK!" cried Zelda as she started to fall into darkness.

Link grabbed hold of Zelda by her fingers and hang on to her.

"ZELDA, I've got you. Hang on." Link said as he held onto his grip on her.

Zelda looked up, it seemed that the branch was about to brake.

"Link, I LOVE YOU TOO." she screamed her heart out to him. "I loved you ever since we first meet when you came into my garden. I was 11 years old and you were 10 years old. I never knew that I could fall in love with a man a year younger than myself **'cause no one has ever fallen in love with someone one year younger than themselves in the history of EVER! **but over the years I felt myself wanting to be closer to you. Not only closer in a friendship way but also in a more sexual way **'cause I'm a whore**. I dream about you every night as you are off on another adventure. But I always prayed for your safe returns **'cause how are we gonna fuck if you get your fine ass killed?** I had always taken you for granted because the power of the triforce would always tell me that you are alive but in the last 3 days the triforce told me that you were gone from this world. I felt that you were dead but now that I can see you, I can feel you and oh how I want to touch your face next to mine. Even if we were to die right hear **(_hears_ Zelda's pathetic monologue and gags to death) **and now I feel so happy now that I know that you love me in return."

Zelda said everything that she wanted to say to Link and more. She did not care if it was embarrassing, she had only one life to live and it was slowly fading fast. All she could do was to make the most of the precious little time she got to live for as the branch began to snap **but you know, she was kinda bummed that they weren't going to do the freaknasty before they like, died, and stuff**.

Link was astounded that Zelda cared for him the same way he felt about her.

As the branch snapped, they did not scream. Instead Link allowed his falling body to slowly descend to reach Zelda and their eyes meet with happiness. Zelda wrapped her arms around Link's head as she pulled him into their first kiss. It was not rushed or forced as they fell, but it was more of a slow one as the world around them began to slow down in slow-motion **(the most basic laws of physics do not apply in the author's world. Hear that rustling sound? That's our dear friend Sir Isaac Newton rolling in his grave)**.

But the longer they kissed the harder and more passionate the kiss was. And the more passionate the kiss was, the faster they fell and the faster their hearts beet **(Beets! Yummers!) **next to each other.

Both Link and Zelda hung onto each other until the deadly impact they would feel with the ground.

Then it came….

"Link…ugh…help."

Link opened his eyes and was surprised to be still alive. He looked at Zelda with a smile on his face. But he quickly changed his facial expression as he looked down. His hips were in some sort of soft wet dirt and Zelda was facing him with the same results.

"Link….were in quicksand." Shrieked Zelda, her voice was getting higher in fear. "Its trying go get inside me again."

Link looked around for a branch or a rope to get them out but it was no use, plus he could not move his legs against the strong strength **(Isn't that kind of redundant?)** of the mire.

Link looked at Zelda terrified body and dug his hand just below her belly.

Zelda looked at him in shock as Link moved his fingers inside her, she did not know what to feel but then she felt the quicksand being pushed out of her with Link's hands.

Then Link pushed his hips so that he would be closer to Zelda and he put his arms around her waist to pull her closer to him.

"Link, what are you…ugh." Zelda cried out loud as Link thrust her against him.

Suddenly she felt Link inside her **'cause when you are trapped in quicksand, you don't try to save yourself, you fuck! **and there was no quicksand in there, Link had protected her most sacret part of her body from the dirty touch of the quicksand.

"Oh Link, thank you so much." said Zelda, her face was red but now at least she did not have to worry about the quicksand trying to rape her, she was in the arms of her hero and now had her love of her life inside protecting her from harm.

"I would do anything to protect you princess." said Link.

Although his words did not make much sense at the moment, there was nothing to pull them out, Plus with the quicksand alive and wanting to take advantage of her nakedness, Zelda thought that Link was trying to protect her from a fate worse than death.

The quicksand began to grow in anger this was not suppose to happen. The quicksand was not use to not getting its own way with its victims.

Zelda felt something pull on her lower body and gasped in terror of what the quicksand was trying to do next.

"Link!" she yelled. "The quicksand is trying to suck us down."

Link looked down to see his and Zelda's bellies slowly being engulfed by the greedy mire.

Link felt something tug from behind, it seemed that the quicksand was trying to separate him from Zelda.

"Zelda, hand on. The quicksand it trying to tear us apart. Hold on to me and don't let go." advised Link.

Zelda gripped onto Link's shoulders as he moved his body against her. Link had his arms around Zelda's back to lock her into his safe harness **(S&M!)**.

The quicksand continued to rise as it tried to pull away the two lovers. But no matter how strong the quicksand was, the love between Zelda and Link was far stronger as the ripples turned into big waves with each movement of Link and Zelda's rocking bodies.

The quicksand rose up and Zelda gasped.

"Link….ugh….my breasts….the quicksand it trying to take my breasts." She shouted.

Link moved his arms and cupped Zelda's breasts so that it's muddy hands could not invade her sensitive nipples.

Zelda stared into his eyes with love displayed on her face **like this: 3 :**

"Thank you for protecting them." the princess smiled.

Link did not know if it made any sense but a girl's breasts must have been important for him to protect **(tries to translate into English, but head explodes in the process)**.

Link then moved his chest closer so he could move his hands quickly around Zelda's back and push his chest into her so the quicksand would never get her sensitive flesh on her chest. Their nipples meet and a passionate connection of skin to skin contact was triggered within them as both Link and Zelda rubbed their bodies together even faster.

This infuriated the quicksand, not only was it pushed outside Zelda from within her, now it was denied her breasts and it began to swallow both Link and Zelda deeper into its muddy mass.

"Link…ugh…stay…with…me….ugh." moaned Zelda as she picked up her pace.

"I….ugh…will…always….be….with…you….Zelda….ugh….until….death….till….we…part…UGH." Link struggled but picked up pace in response.

The quicksand dragged them down to their necks and it tried to choke them with its muddy hands. But Zelda and Link still went for it and they still hung on tightly to each other.

"Well…ugh…this…is…it. Goodbye Link." cried Zelda with tears in her eyes.

"Hang in there Zelda. I love you." replied Link.

"I love you too Link….mmphh." Zelda said her last words as she kissed Link on his lips.

Link responded and their tongues danced as they continued to embrace each other tighter until the quicksand eventually closed over their heads.

It was dark and no sound could be hard, only the erratic beating of the hearts of two lovers struggling for air as they kissed under the quicksand that threaten the drown them. But as they continues to push their bodies together, the quicksand tighten its pressure around them.

It was a race to see who could win. Could Link and Zelda make one more effort to truly love each other or will the quicksand pull them away and take the prize it treasures most in raping the princess** (that meannastybad quicksand is a friggin' PERV)**.

As Zelda slowly lost the ability to hang on from the lack of air, she slowly began to slip away, only a thew more pushes left and she would have made it.

The quicksand slowly began to drag her body away from Link to finally ravage her but Link used all of his remaining strength in one final breath to stay inside Zelda until every last second.

Link screamed in pain and pleasure and this made Zelda come back and she yelled too finally feel the orgasmic waver of love wash over her body and for Link to feel that he did truly save Zelda till the end.

Then as they lost all consciousness, the quicksand moved it to have it's way with its victim but yelled in defeat as it had lost the prize it so desperately wanted all along.

-----------------End of Dream---------------

Link opened his eyes and he panted erratically. Was that real or was it one crazy dream that his hormones had dreamt up with his feeling for Zelda intensifying to fever pitch. **Even more importantly, did he need to wash his sheets again?**

Then Link turned to the clock to the wall and it read 11 o'clock.

"Holy goddess, 1 hour to go until midnight." thought Link.

Tatl came up and tinkled her alarm in Link's ear.

"Wake up Link. Time for preparing for battle." She cheered.

Link shook the events of the dream behind him and looked silently at the moon outside the window.

He knew it could be his last battle but there was more than his life that was at stake, it was all the people of this world. As Link heard the noises of love next door from him, coming from Kafei and Anju's room, he then thought about Zelda.

"One day when I return." Link said to himself. "I will come to see you Zelda **and fuck your stupid brains out **and tell you everything I fell **and scraped my knee**."

With that part done and out of his mind, the only thing he thought about as he drank the special Romani Milk to fill up his magic was the battle with the mask, Majora's Mask. He will not only fight for himself but also for all the people in this world and for a chance to **fuck **see Zelda again.

----------------Back to Zelda----------------------

Zelda gasped as she opened her eyes.

"Oh my, was that all a dream?" she asked herself.

She touched her body all over and felt all strange inside. She felt that the dream was real, the quicksand, the snake, the branch breaking and Link holding her, kissing her and loving her.

She looked down to her left hand to see the triforce glowing and she felt the presence of a lost soul that she loved was still alive and well, but she could detect that he was still in grave danger. But she felt hopeless as there was nothing she could do about it.

Zelda leaned up from her bed and stared outside her window.

"Please goddesses, bring Link back to me." She said with her hands clenched over her aching heart. "I need Link, I love Link, because I would die without him. Please bless him for a safe return."

And with that, Zelda felt sleepy as she was washed back to sleep. Hoping that her prays will be answered.

---------------Back to Link in Termina Clock town----------------

As he reached the clock tower and the clock stroke **backstroke breaststroke BUTTERFLY! **midnight, Link walked up the stairs to a battle that would determine his destiny.

The End **thank sweet baby Jesus.**

**

* * *

I admit that I didn't embellish the sex scenes that much because nothing could possibly come to mind. Normally I read something and think of a snarky comment immediately, but I sat there and read the passages over and over and I could not think of a damn thing to say. Finally, I figured his sex scenes kind of wank themselves.**

**If you liked the way this chapter was done, please say so in a review. I hoped everyone liked it! Coming next, Zelda Swallowed By A Snake, as promised!**


	4. Incest Makes My World Go Round

**I'm baaaack.**

**THE HATERS: OMG TO ARMS!**

**That's okay, haters. Even if I do suck as badly as you say, that doesn't stop me from loving you. Because, really, I'm getting particularly strong hints that you guys don't read the notes (actually, if that were the case, you wouldn't be reading this right now, so why am I bothering to address you?...but it's worth a shot) and don't realize what the hell this is all about. I'm going to repeat myself, this time in eye-catching underlined caps:**

**I DO NOT TAKE CREDIT FOR THESE STORIES. IN THE LAST CHAPTER, ONLY THE COMMENTS IN BOLD WERE ADDED BY ME. THE ENTIRE STORY ITSELF (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING MISTAKES AND ALL) WERE WRITTEN BY ANOTHER AUTHOR. I WAS MERELY SATIRIZING IT.**

**There, hopefully you'll read that.**

**I can understand why you'd think I'm pathetic by mocking his stories (it just means that we have different senses of humor. That's cool. I can live with that), but flaming me for plagrizing and making spelling mistakes is just ignorant on your part. I have NEVER, EVER claimed authorship of these stories. NEVER. And, if you bothered to check, you would realize that the spelling mistakes are deliberate. Why, in the last chapter, the spelling mistakes were made by the original author himself!**

**So, who loses at life now?**

**Oh, yes. I do remember. The original author, gleefully running amok on adultfanfiction-dot-net, has now amassed quite a repetoire of smutty fics. This one caught my attention for its sheer awfulness. So, I'm going to post it here, so everyone can see for themselves exactly what it is I'm "mocking." This is un-related to The Legend of Zelda, but I think it definately merits your readership. Just so you might consider what I'm all about. Once again, cue the giant disclaimer so that the ignorant haters will read it:**

**I DID NOT WRITE THIS CHAPTER. NONE OF IT WAS WRITTEN BY ME. I TAKE ABSOLUTELY ZERO CREDIT FOR IT.**

**This is the pure, unadulterated work of the author everyone so vehemently defends.**

* * *

You are 18 and ready for college, your sister is 16 and she is ready for high school but the thing is that she is late, you are annoyed because as many girls are, everything is all about appearances. 

As a boy, appearances are not as important to you as you have known many girls when you were in high school and sometimes the most beautiful are also the meanest girls.

You don't know why it is so but as a boy, all you have ever wanted was a girl to like you for the way you are, not for the look. Besides from the pimples on your teenage face you would have more worries if you were worried about appearances. Being 18 you are now expected to be taking more responsibility and even act more like an adult in some occasions.

"Hey sis…bus is coming!" You yell out.

"Just a minute!" your sister says.

Minutes later, you have missed the bus.

"Dam…this is your fault!" you shout out to your sister in frustration.

"It's not my fault that my hair took a while to get into place after brushing it, I don't want to come to my first day of high school with my hair all messed up."

Your sister replies.

No matter how you try to say it to her, the fact remains that you and your sister now have to walk to high school and college.

The rain pours down hard as you and your sister now have to walk in the rain and through the bush to where you need to go for college and where she needs to go for high school, it has been two weeks since your family had moved into this country area and you have become aware of where you are going. The bush however looks different when it's raining compared to when it was dry last week.

As the rain pours down, you realise that you need to fins some shelter, but you don't tryst the houses because as new people in a country town, you simply don't trust strangers because you know well that you and even your 16 year old sister are vulnerable to some predators who you wish not to know but you are aware of their existence.

"Here sis, we can shelter under this tree as the rain goes past." You call out to your sister.

"Coming big bro." she says.

Your sister follows you under the tree where you are standing and she hugs you close, suddenly your hair stands at the back of your head.

"Why are you hugging me?" You ask.

Your sister looks up at you with her eyes glowing wide with emotion.

"Why not, we are brother and sister. We always hugged when we were younger." She replies.

You can't help but feel your face glow red with embarrassment but then your feel your sister's breasts against your chest that are covered by the layers of jumpers and skivvy you and your sister are wearing. In these cold times of the year you are mostly dressed for the winter where you have to travel to college and brave the rain and even the frosty snow when the morning temperature is below 0 degrees Celsius.

Suddenly you then realise that even at age 16, your sister is becoming more mature. She's almost grown into a young woman.

Then as you start to warm into your sister's hug, you suddenly back yourself away. Afraid that your 18 year old mind might interpret this differently. You knew that a hug is never more than a friendship or a sibling thing but there was a time you used to be so open to hugs. But since that time you had a crush on a girl that you had knew for many years, you tried to hug her in a friendship way but she and her friends took it a bit differently and they tore you away from her, claiming you were trying to sexually harass her. Since then you had never given anybody a hug from the fear of being called a pervert or and jerk.

Your sister looks at you as you break the hug.

"Why are you turning away big bro? We used to hug many times when we were younger." She says.

You look into your sisters eyes, you are not quite sure of what to say. Should you say that things are different since you are more older and wiser and even more sexually active. Should you say to her that there are some examples of people, generally males around 16 to 25 that commit these crimes of sexual assault even against their siblings and that you are afraid of being ladled like them from a simple hug?

Confusing thoughts go through your head. When is something a friendship and when is something a relationship, when is something only shared between siblings and when is something only shared between lovers? These days some people think that a hug is something only between close friends and sometimes some people think of a hug as something special between two lovers because of the body contact. You don't know who's to believe, there are so many cases of women suing young men all because someone thinking they are doing something sick but you are actually doing something quite innocent.

When you talked to your dad about these things, he is more confused than you are because back in his days there was no such thing as sexual harassment, there was no such thing as homosexuality back when he was growing up, you feel like you are in a mine field and you are not sure of where to steep from the fear of making a mistake.

"I…I don't know…" is all that you can say to your sister.

"Is it because I'm ugly?" she asks.

"No, it is not that." You try to calm her down.

"All I want is just a hug brother…like what we used to have…I don't understand why you are always afraid of giving me a hug brother but ever since we have grown into teenagers, I feel more isolated from you, I don't know what to ask you as you are always turning away from me. I HATE YOU!" Your sister yells at you as she runs off into the woods into the rain.

"Sis…NO…" You try to say but she is already gone.

"Dam…why dose she have to be so emotional?" You ask yourself.

More importantly you try to ask yourself why are you so afraid to tell her…but then you understand why, if you try to tell her the reason why you are afraid to hug your sister, you pass the fear onto her and then she will lose everything that is so special about her, her free spirit and her innocence. You love your sister too much to hurt her but the more you try not to tell her, the more you make her emotionally confused.

"Perhaps it is time to tell her…" A voice inside you says.

As you take a step out of the shelter of the tree, you hear a yell ahead of you.

"HHHHHEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP MMMMMMEEEEEEEE!"

Your awareness wakes as you realise the screaming voice you heard.

You run towards the voice praying that a rapist or something is not attacking your sister, or something like a wolf or a bear.

As you reach the open path, you see your sister in the middle of muddy ground up to her hips in mud.

"Help me brother, I'm sinking. This is like quicksand but it's muddier." She shouts out to you.

"Hang on Sis, I will think of a way to save you." You cry out towards her.

Your eyes search franticly around for something like an over hanging branch or a rope or vine to use to drag her out. You have a look at the muddy ground that your sister is sinking in and you realise that she is sinking into a mud hole, that is much more deadlier than quicksand.

Then you look at how far she is away from you, 10 meters out and nothing for her to grab onto. There is no way you could ever reach out to her without risking yourself to sink in the mud with her too.

Suddenly a crazy thought went though your mind, its crazy but worth a shot.

"Sis…you have to throw me your jumper and shirt." You tell your sister.

"Why would you want me to take off my clothes, my track pants are too deep."

"Just do it, I will tie my clothes together and you throw me yours so I can tie them together and throw them over to you so it will be like a rope. Then I can pull you out."

You take off your jumper and skivvy and you tie the long sleeve arms to join them together, you then take off your pants to tie them tightly together. You don't care of your sister sees you in your boxer shorts, what is important now is saving her life.

"Here is my jumper and skivvy bro." Your sister says as she throws her stuff to you.

You tie them together along with your clothes and now they can stretch far enough to rescue your sister.

You throw the long pile of tied clothes over the mud to reach your sister.

"Hurry sis, grab on." You yell out to her.

Your sister who is now up to her chest in the mud grabs onto the long clothes tied together like pieces of rope. As she pulls on it, the mud reachers her bra and you can't help but notice how beautiful your sister looks in the mud. But then you shake these thoughts from your mind and you pull her in.

As you pull, your sister makes slow progress.

"Hurry brother, the mud is sucking me down to my shoulders."

You pull harder but suddenly the slippery mud makes you lose your footing on the hard dry ground.

"NOOOOO!" you scream.

SPLASH

You are now hip deep in the mud along with your sister.

"Sister, grab my hands." You say as your arms reach out to her.

Your sister gabs your hands and you pull her up to your level in the mud. The good thing is that you have delayed her submission to the mud but the bad thing is that now you are now stuck in the mud with her, there is no way for you or your sister to escape.

You look at your sister as you could see the fear and terror deep in her eyes as you realise that you are now sinking with her.

"I'm sorry Sis…it seems like we are going to die here." You cry.

Tears fall from your eyes but your sister then touches her hands next to your face.

"It is not your fault big brother, you tried to save me and that is all that matters. I love you brother." Your sister cries as she leans her mud-coated body towards you.

Suddenly your eyes widen as your sister places her pink lips onto yours.

Then your close your eyes as she deepens the kiss on your own lips. This was the first time you have ever been kissed, even with all the girls you have had a crush on, your first kiss is coming from your sister. Your mind spins as you don't know what to do, but as you realise what sort of position you and your sister are in, you then understand why your sister is kissing you.

Your sister has always been a romantic with all the chick movies she has watched, having your first kiss is meant to be something special.

Now as your eyes start to open, you can see the mud rising all around you as the mud crushes you and your sister's bodies together in the mud hole that is rising up your chests.

As you break the kiss, you look down to see your sister's breasts concealed by her bra now being enveloped by the mud again, this time your strong hard chest is being squished into them as they are now sucked under the mud.

Your heart beats faster and faster as you can feel the mud sucking you and your sister deeper and deeper into the mud, soon the mud will be over your head and you realise that you and your sister are doomed.

"I…I…I love you sis." You whisper to her.

"I love you too brother, you know…you are a great kisser, if I were to die now, the highlight of my life will be my kiss with you, because you are my first just now."

You look at your sister and then understand why she kissed you, even though you are her brother, she feels nothing wrong for just kissing you as you and her are going to die, she just wants to die with her memories of having her first kiss with you.

It makes no sense but somehow you understand her as you feel the same way too, all the time you have had many girls you have made great friends with but none of them have ever been in a romantic relationship with you. The only girl who has been close to you has been your sister.

You know you can't have sex with her but it dose not hide how you feel about her. Without your sister then you would not have known how to communicate with girls.

You then begin to feel thankful that your sister cares so much abut you.

"Thanks sis…that means a lot, you know if we were to survive this then you would have made a lucky boy very happy one day." You say to her.

As the mud creeps over your shoulders, you see the walls of the mud hole begin to develop around you as you and your sister are being sucked deeper and deeper down to your deaths.

"Looks like this is the end bro…even now that I know we are going to die…I'm happy anyway because you are here with me." you sister cries with tears flowing out of her eyes.

She then hugs your strong body closer to her as she shows her emotions for you. Pouring out her heart to you and showing you how much you mean to her.

You hug her back, you don't care if it is your sister that you feel her bare skin against your own. It gives you a soft and warm feeling inside you, not sexual but still an enjoyable loving feeling to have.

Then with all the things you have feared about since you were accused of sexual harassing your female friend two years ago, you realise that you have done nothing wrong at all, a hug is not always sexual, it can be a friendly thing to have between friends or even between siblings who care about each other.

The mud walls are getting higher and higher around you and your sister. Both of you and your sister's heads are now sucked under the mud and now all you see of the outside world is then hole above you that is slowly closing over your head.

"I love you brother, I'm sorry that we missed the buss and now we are going to die here all because of me." Your sister cries.

"There is nothing to be sorry about sis…I love you too no matter what." You tell her.

Then as the mud walls begin to close around you and your sister, you press your lips onto your sister as you give her your final kiss.

"Ugh…" your sister gasps as the mud falls into the hole covering over you and her together.

You hold her body as you and your sister breathe in each other's mouths both saving each other's air as you both are being sucked deeper down into the darkness of the mud hole.

The mud presses your body closer and tighter, you realise that there is not much time left in your life as the mud around you slowly crushes you and your sister to death.

But then suddenly as you push your sister higher, you feel yourself stop and you feel your bare feet hit hard ground.

Then you come up with a plan, you know that it is the end for you but perhaps there is a chance that you can save your sister that is hanging onto life with the air in your kisses.

You then gather all the remaining energy within your body that is being crushed under the thick crushing mud around you.

In seconds, you break your kiss on your sister and up use your arms to push her body above the surface and as you push her up, you free your sister's body from the mud as she slips above the muddy surface and you use your hands to slide her to dry ground.

But then the mud caves in on you more as there is a gap where your sister used to be and now as life passes before your eyes, the mud crushes you to death. The last images in your mind were of your sister, praying that she is safe and she would be able to live her life without you.

Your soul leaves your body and rises above the mud, as you look down you see your sister on dry land gasping for air but then she wakes up.

"Bro…brother…NNNOOOOOO!" she screams as she sees your hands slide down in the mud.

She slides her bare and slender body across the mud and pull your arms up, she also grabs onto some dry mud that had just developed and pulls your arms above the surface of the mud.

Time stops for your soul as you see your loving sister pull your limp body from the mud.

"Brother…brother…please come back to me…please!" you sister cries as she puts her hands on your chest and begins to pump her hands on top of your rib cage to try and re-start your heart.

Suddenly you feel your soul begin to be pulled back towards your limp body as your sister tries to bring you to life once more.

"Brother…brother…don't die, please don't die…I LOVE YOU BROTHER!"

You gasp as you take in vital air, your eyes open as you look up at your sister who is coved in as much mud as you are now.

"Thank god your alive." Your sister cries.

You bring your arms around her body as you embrace her in a deep and loving hug, not a sexual one but more of like a brother and sister hug.

"Thanks sis, for saving my life." You say to her as you deepen your hug on her body.

As you think about how lucky you are to be alive, you then look at your muddy clothes that you had tied in knots to form a long rope that you did when you tried to save your sister from before.

How are you going to explain to your teacher once when you reach college at lunch that you are late and your clothes are all muddy. But that dose not matter now, at least you and your sister are both alive.

Perhaps your sister will be able to have her first kiss by someone other than you and even make that lucky boy happy one day.

And by the way your sister liked you kissing her, you might be able to have a chance of having your first kiss with a girl that is not your sister and she will like you for the way you are, you even have a chance to make her happy someday too.

**

* * *

There are hardly words to describe how fiercely I am opposed to this.**

**So go on, haters. Leave me comments professing how "immature, stupid, pathetic, ect." I am. But if you actually think THIS deserves artistic support, I am inclined to judge how much water your argument holds.**


	5. The Smex Slime ZOMG

**_Mon Dieu! _ I am updating in a timely fashion! The Apocalypse is just around the temporal corner, for sure.  
**

**This chapter is done in the "wanking" style, as chapter four was. This being so, you'll notice I use a lot of expressions like "facepalm" and "headdesk" in this installment---They sum up my feelings rather well, and I think you'll see why. My apologies if they grate on anyone's nerves, however.  
**

**Here follows the usual disclaimer, printed once again printed in eye-catching letters so those who think I actually penned this drivel might actually realize that I, in fact, do not...**

**I DO NOT CLAIM AUTHORSHIP OF THIS FIC. THE ONLY PARTS I HAVE WRITTEN ARE THE COMMENTS IN BOLD.**

Attack of Morpha 'Link's **lust**love for Zelda'

* * *

Link was riding his horse Epona over the plains of the Hyrule field. This was his favourite past time to do when he was not **being raped by **fighting monsters or **fucking **seeing the princess Zelda. 

Link looked over to the Hyrule castle and thought that he should probably tell Zelda about his feelings about her. Since they have organised a date with each other tonight.

After turning back time and becoming a kid again was hard for Link to sort out.

As he grew older, the feelings Link had for Zelda when he had first grown up began to resurface. (See Ocarina of Time game)

Link felt that becoming an adult again must have made him more aware about his feelings for Zelda. But he would always try to deny the closeness between him and Zelda from his knowledge that a normal boy could not marry a princess. But Link always thought that there was something more to him since that he and Zelda were closely connected to the triforce.** Soulmates. By which I mean "bedmates."**

As Link was contemplating his thoughts, he felt an unexpected disturbance in the air. And underground. **And to the left and to the right. And to a thirty degree angle.**

"Something is strange. Did you feel that Epona?" Link asked his trusty mare.

Epona made some unusual noises; Link knew that this could only mean trouble. **(Epona: OMGNEIGHGACKBLAHLOL:spaz: Link: What's that, Epona? Zelda lost the batteries to her vibrator? Le gasp! To the castle, ONWARD HOOO!)**

Recently Link had found out that monsters were resurfacing from the dark realm that he had banished them to years ago. These monsters were the big 5 bosses. Link had already defeated four of them, but there was one that was left. That monster was the one that Link found was the hardest to beat. **Ohnoes.**

"Come on Epona, we may need to rush to the castle without delay." Link thought to himself as he rode off to Hyrule castle town.

Princess Zelda was in her bedchambers with a bath towel around her. She had been keen on having a date with Link for some time and tonight was her chance to tell Link about her feelings for him.** You know what, I would reckon that most guys don't want to go out with a chica for the first time and have her start the "OMG TRUE LOVE LET'S GET MARRIED" routine.**

"Oh, Link my love." Zelda whispered as she looked at herself in her mirror. "Please tell me that you feel the same about me."

Zelda was quite nervous about telling Link how she felt about him. She would often practice every word she would say and repeat every line ten times in a row.

For the moments that gave Zelda a headache from trying all of the things she wanted to say, she would drop her towel around her and try to say them to herself.

Looking at herself in the mirror made Zelda think that even if she was born in a royal family (Something that every girl dreams of) she came into this world with nothing and she will eventually die with nothing. So she may as well make the most of her chances in life and even if she makes mistakes, Zelda would eventually learn from her life experiences.

(Note: I am not trying to be dirty here. This is a saying my old man keeps reminding me. It's all about looking at yourself in the mirror and to learn to appreciate who you are. **(You know what, honey? I bet he didn't mean for you to stand and gawp at your pathetic naked self in the mirror ten times a day.) **I don't want this part of the story to be interpreted into something that is disgusting.)

Zelda had no sin of looking at herself in the mirror that way, she once heard from her maid Impa that you could never learn how to love another person until you learn to love yourself. **And I don't mean the "emotional" way.**

(Note: Another saying that I don't want other people to interpret the wrong way.** (Ha, I added the above comment before I even read this. You know what, if you don't want people to "interpret the wrong way", don't go on crappy philosopical musings that make no sense.)**)

Zelda had a beautiful body but even she was her own worst critic sometimes. Zelda would often think that her boobs are not big enough for Link **(Zelda: OMG look at my boobs they are liek so small!1! I hate my boobs, wahh! Liek, my boobs totally sux:wangst:) **but then Impa would always to say that Link was not the type of man that would want a girl for their size, all that mattered was the heart of the person inside that body was the thing that counted the most.

"Oh Impa, I hope your words of wisdom are true." Zelda silently prayed as she thought of her maid that was wise as an owl.** (:facepalm:)**

Zelda stepped into her bathroom that was next to her bedroom. She striped her towel off her body and placed it on her towel rack.

She turned the water on and stepped into her round bathtub that was in a shape of a circle. **(Her _round _bathtub was in the shape of a _circle?_ OMG defies all logic.) **Three triangles came from different sides to join together around the tub to form the triforce, a sacred symbol of her kingdom that represented the balance of courage, power and wisdom in every living soul of the planet earth.

As Zelda was relaxing in the tub with the water flowing around all over her beautiful slender legs, the water suddenly stoped flowing out the tap.

"Hey, what's going on here?" Zelda asked herself. "Did my father forget to pay the water bill.?"** (No. The assholes over at the water board cut off THE KING OF THE FUCKING COUNTRY'S water line. Just to piss him off.)**

**Cue sexually ambitious inanimate object: **Just as princess Zelda was about to get out of her tub and wrap a towel around her, the tap spewed out massive amounts of sticky, slimy dark blue liquid.

"Ewww, gross! **It's liek, sooo totally icky ZOMG!1!**" Zelda gasped is surprise as the blue slime hit the base of the bathtub and sprayed itself all over Zelda's legs.

Zelda had to close her eyes if the slime ever got in contact with her face. She buried her hands into her face and tried to turn and get out of the tub. But something was terribly wrong.

"Hey, my legs can't move!" Zelda shouted. **Thanks for letting us know.**

She looked down and the dark blue slime stopped splashing around. This time the dark blue slime was slowly flowing out of the tap and it looked like a shape of a long slimy snake or worm slithering into the bathtub and disappearing into the dark blue liquid.

Zelda griped both of her arms at each side of the tub and tried to pull herself up but the blue slime had coved her legs up to her thighs that they were stuck to the base of her bathtub.

"Oh! No! How will I get out of this mess?" Zelda asked herself. **(:facepalm:)**

Then Zelda felt something move up her thighs.** (Well, we all know where this is going. Cue rape, "emotional bonding", then a nice consenting fuck. Preferably in that order.)**

"No, it's moving up me!" Zelda's heart was racing as she let go of the side of the tub with her left hand to protect her most sacred part of her body.** (God, this wanks itself.)**

The slimy liquid moved around her hand and hips that where the next in line with their path.

Zelda could not believe the sucking pressure of the goo that held her left arm trapped in front of her.

"Oh, is it trying to suck my hand down?" Zelda asked herself as her heart beat faster. **"Why, good golly, I think it is!" replied Adlez, Zelda's alternate personality. "Why, that's just mean!" Zelda cried. "I know!" Adlez agreed---**

Just then Zelda felt the slime flow around her back and it fiercely pushed her body forward to try and make the struggling princess land on her back at the base of the bath tub.

"Whoa! **Totally righteous!**" Zelda gasped as her whole body start to fall on her back.

Zelda pulled her left hand out of the slime just in time for her to grip the side of the bath and balance herself from being dragged down on her back.

This made Zelda give up her defence as the slimy blue liquid started to slip inside her.

"NO!" screamed Zelda. "This thing, it's trying to… ugh!"

Zelda stopped screaming and gasped as she felt the slime go inside her body, she closed her eyes and the slime wrapped its gooey substance around her belly and it climbed up her back. **Pssh. I bet she likes it.**

Zelda opened her eyes and saw bluer liquid pour out of the tap. She desperately lifted her hand to turn the tap off.

"Please, got…to...turn…it…off..." Zelda struggled under her breath.

Just as she reached the tap, Zelda frantically turned off the water to try and stop the flow of slime into her bath.

But just as she twisted the handle to stop the water, the slime continued to flow out of the tap.

"NO, the slime is still flowing out!" Zelda gasped in surprise. **Thank you, Captain Obvious.**

She gripped her arms onto the side of the tub to try and pull herself out again but the slime continued to hold Zelda's body in its sticky grasp.

"Help, somebody help me." shouted Zelda. But it was no use. Her bathroom was sound proof and nobody could hear her screams.** Of course it was. How _convenient._**

The slime crawled its way up Zelda's back and wrapped itself around her shoulders. More slime from the other side of the tub was moving it's way to the side where the princess was stuck with her back against the walls of the bath tub.

The slime wrapped itself around her chest, pushing her breasts into her.

"NO!" shrieked Zelda at a high pitch. "Not my breasts!"

She only wanted one special person to be able to touch her like that, but it was not this thing that was attacking her. **(Wanked itself.)**

Zelda closed her eyes as the slime continued to hurt her body, it was draining her strength in the most brutal way it knew how.

Zelda panted as she struggled more but her efforts were futile.

"Please, Link. If you can hear me. PLEASE HELP ME!" screamed Zelda as the slime was curling around her neck. She was finding it hard to breathe as all the mass of slime was tightening around her chest. Zelda did not know how long her strength could last before she would eventually let go of the sides of the tub or will the slime smother over her before she could collapse from exhaustion.

Link was telling Epona to gallop faster as he saw a vision of Zelda being transmitted in his head. Her whole body was stuck neck deep in slime.

"Come on Epona, faster. We got to save princess Zelda before it's too late." Link repeatedly told his horse in order to get there as soon as he could.

He came to the palace gates where a guard stopped him.

"Holt!" **(...Holt...?) **the guard warned to Link. "Show me your identification before you pass."

Link could not disobey the guards since he understood that they were only doing their job.

"I have permission to see the princess Zelda." Stated Link to the guards as he showed them the invitation Zelda gave him. "I need to see her immediately."

The guards quickly opened the gates.

As Link quickly made his way to the castle on Epona, Link could hear voices inside his head that were **a symptom of insanity **Zelda's pleas for help.

"Link, ugh…it's… trying…. to choke me!" he heard Zelda's struggles.

"Hang on Zelda. I'm coming." Link mentally shouted to his love as he quickly made his way into the castle. He hoped that he could reach Zelda in time before it was too late.** Me too. Ooh, the unbearable suspense.**

Zelda was just barely hanging on. Her strength was depleting fast as the slime ravaged her body. Zelda screamed as the blue goo was trying to pull her down and swallow her.

She had made great efforts to pull her head up and move it just above the rim of the tub.

"Must…hang…on." struggled Zelda as she whispered to herself. But she knew if she were not pulled down, the slime would eventually try to climb and smother her.

As the sticky slimy blue liquid filled the top of the tub, the mass shifted into a wave that was forming at the opposite side to Zelda's end of the tub.

Zelda's eyes widen in fear as she saw the mass of blue slime that was forming itself for one final strike.

"Oh my goddess! Link, please hurry." Zelda screamed **(I feel the need to point out that a moment ago she was struggling to lift up her head and was whispering. Now she's screaming. Stamp from the Inconsistency Department.) **as she braced herself for the deadly impact.

She quickly closed her eyes as the slime crashed itself into her body, covering her head in the process.

Zelda tried to move her head above the surface but she could not as she felt the slime thicken and squeezed her whole body in one mighty death **cinnamon **roll.

Link bashed his way through the bathroom door and saw Zelda's body taken under with the slime swallowing her up.

"Zelda! NOO**OOOOOOO**!" Link shouted as he bravely dived into the bathtub for Zelda.

Link grabbed her fallen body and lifted himself out of the tub up to chest deep in the slime.

"Zelda, Zelda, Please wake up." Link embraced her body as the slime began to get angry at Link for stealing its victim.** Meannastybad slime.**

Zelda's eyes fluttered open in surprise to see Link.

"Link!" gasped Zelda as she spat out slime from her mouth. "What's going on?"

"You have been attacked by a Morpha monster." explained Link. "We need to get out of here."

"But Link, I can't move." struggled Zelda.

Link looked down and saw the slime tighten its grip onto both of their trapped bodies. The blue liquid had pinned Zelda arms to her sides and it was climbing above Link's arms that embraced Zelda.

"No." Link yelled as the slime trapped his arms around where he had hold of Zelda. "I can't move too. **OHNOES!**"

Zelda looked deep into her hero's eyes and asked him. "Link, are we going to die?"

"Of cause not." said Link trying to cheer her up. "When there is a will, there is a way."** (:facepalm:)**

Link looked around to where he dropped his master sword just before he had dived in to rescue Zelda from before. It was not far away, just at the edge of the bathtub. But the goo was holding his arms so he could not just reach it to save them both.

Link's eyes shifted to where the slime was flowing out of the tap.

"Zelda, have you still got some strength in you?" Link quickly asked her.

"Yes, but just barely." replied Zelda.

"Right I just want you to focus your full power on breaking that tap. You have to do it Zelda. Right now." Link told her.** (Why the hell couldn't Zelda think of this herself?)**

Zelda closed her eyes as Link silently supported her. She focused on the source of the liquid flowing though the pipes and under her bathtub. Meanwhile Link watched as the slime was climbing their stuck bodies in the goo.

"Link, I think I found it." Zelda responded as she found there the pressure of the slime was coming from.

"Right, now push all your power and make it break the tap." Informed Link.

Zelda glowed pink as she focussed all the power she had with the triforce symbol on her hand to push the source of the slime out to break the tap open.

Just then the tap explode open and lots of blue slime splattered the bathroom walls.

As the grip of the slime around their bodies evaporated, Link quickly dragged Zelda's wounded body out of the mass of slime in the tub before it could rearrange itself to grab hold of them again.

Link took his master sword and Zelda took her towel to conceal her nakedness.

Link then saw a flash of white bounce around the walls of the bathroom. It was the nucleus of Morpha.

Link did not hesitate by slashing the nucleus and finally Morpha was defeated.

Hours later Zelda sat on her bed after her horrible ordeal. She was safe but she was left shaken from the whole experience.

Link had just finished cleaning the remains of Morpha and the rest of its slimy substance off the bathroom walls and out of the tub. He also fixed the tap back on and cleaned the traces of slime from the bathtub with his bare hands and lots of clean water from the newly fixed tap. **(Link is a member of Merry Maids, as you see.)**

As Link walked back into Zelda's bedroom, he realised that Zelda had not changed, she still sat there in deep thought and she had still left the towel wrapped around her body.

"Are you ok Zelda?" asked Link. "I have just finished cleaning everything."

Zelda looked up and realised that Link was staring at her in a serious mood.

"I'm okay." Zelda quickly said. She did not want Link to see her in the mood she was in. "Thank you for saving my life today."

"Don't worry Zelda. I'm here. Everything is fine. You're safe now." Link tried to comfort Zelda by repeating these words he softly said to her as he embraced her shaken body.

Zelda deepen his hug by burying her head into his chest. She did not want Link to know her true thoughts.

**ZELDA'S TRUE THOUGHTS:...Wow...I could really use a cheeseburger right now...**

At their date, Link took Zelda out to a fancy restaurant to have tea there **(:facepalm: She was just fucking RAPED. And they are still going out for tea and dimsung.)**. Zelda was wearing a lovely pink and white dress and Link was wearing a fancy light green suit and dark yellow tie. **It was pretty fugly. **(His tunic was dirty with all the slime that was all over it so Link decided to go for a more formal suit.)

"Princess Zelda." asked Link in a formal fashion. "What would you like to eat?"

Zelda just stared at her menu and looked down.

Link was starting to get worried. He knew Zelda would always be exited when she ordered her meal.** Three guesses as to why she's not so excited today.**

"Zelda, is there something wrong?"** (:facepalm: OF COURSE NOT.)** Link asked her with some tension showing on his face.

Zelda quickly responded with a smile while she was trying to hide her feelings.

"No, nothing is wrong. I just needed to read the menu and decide what to eat." She responded.

Even though Zelda thought that she was good at hiding her true thoughts and feelings just as a princess should do, she could not trick Link because through many long years they had known each other** and bathed together**, Link was one of the very few people that knew when Zelda was not feeling like her normal self.

After having a nice tea, Link and Zelda were walking along the Hyrule castle town at sunset but suddenly it started to rain.

"Come on Zelda, we should get back to the castle before the rain gets too heavy." suggested Link.

Zelda only silently nodded in agreement and they both hoped onto Epona and Link rode back to the castle with princess Zelda holding his back.

Link could notice that as the rain got heavy, Zelda's breathing began to get harder and faster. Link was not sure why Zelda was so stressed about having rain falling on her dress. But he did understand why a woman would get nervous about getting her lovely dress wet.** (:presents Link with the "Clueless Asshat of the Year" award.:)**

As they got back to the castle, Link told Zelda that she should have a shower first then he would go in after her turn.

Zelda stepped into her bathroom and took off her dress.

She looked into the mirror and stared at her body. She did not know why but she was starting to hate the person she was staring at in the mirror. She saw herself as week, defenceless and robbed from her purity.** (For once, the author did one thing right. Let's see how long this keeps up...)**

Zelda began to see all the flaws about her and even to a more extreme degree she questioned if she was as beautiful as other people of her kingdom thought she was.

Link waited in her bedroom and sat on one of her old wooden chairs to let his clothes dry out on it. He did not want to sit on anything else in case of he got them all wet.

After 10 minutes of waiting, Link wondered why he could not hear the shower water running.

"Zelda, are you in there?" Link knocked on her bathroom door.

After a minute of silence, Link opened the door to see princess Zelda with a towel around her staring into the shower chamber.

"Zelda, have you finished in there?" Link asked her.

Zelda only whispered a soft reply "No."

Link was shocked. He knew something was definitely wrong with Zelda. **(...And the good streak ends.)**

"Zelda, if you don't take a shower soon, you will catch a dreadful cold. It is dangerous for your health** to have a disease. A cold is a disease. Diseases are dangerous to your health, like colds. Colds endanger your health. If diseases are dangerous to your health, therefore a cold is a disease dangerous to your health," Doctor Link, Ph.D informed Zelda solemnly as he checked his medical notes. He was particularly observant of the chapter entitled _A Guide to Female Anatomy.._**." Link warned her.

"I'm sorry Link. I have not been feeling myself today. **I'm sure it's got nothing to do with me being sexually assaulted.**" Zelda cried with tears starting to fall out of her eyes** (And what a place for the tears to fall from.)**.

Link embraced her to try and calm her down.

"It's okay Zelda, sometimes we have those sorts of days. If it's okay, you could take a shower with me." Link suggested. **(Oh Link, you are such a horny little pervert.)**

Zelda nodded her head in response.

-----------------------------

Note: Please, don't take this the wrong way. This is not going where you think it is going.** (:facepalm: Oh, yes it fucking is. We all know it's going to end with Zelda getting over her rape in about five minutes then gleefully hopping into bed with Link. Isn't predictability SO bland?)**

-----------------------------

Link took off his wet clothes and he put them on the wooden chair that he was sitting of before. Then he went into the bathroom where Zelda had just hopped into the shower and took her towel off.

Link stepped into the shower with her and turned the water on.

He walked behind Zelda to put some shampoo on her head.

Zelda felt a bit better than she had for most of the night when Link was rubbing her long blonde hair** (The new miraculous emotional cure for sexual assault: hair rubbing. Just pat your girlfriend's head and she'll spread her legs wide in no time!)**. She leaned her back onto Links chest as she closed her eyes and felt the soap of the shampoo fall down her naked body.

Link thought that this had made Zelda feel a bit better, but there was still something that troubled him. Why was Zelda doing this if she could easily do it her self? Link had not bathed with Zelda since they were 12 years old **(WHAT THE HELL!)**. Now they were 18. Why the unexpected change of behaviour?** (:snerk:)**

Zelda's eyes suddenly opened wide from out of the blue and Link could feel her chest was breathing erratically.

Link looked down Zelda's body (in a unperverted way **(:headdesk:)**) and was shocked to see her belly heave itself in and out like a balloon that was being blown up too fast and let go immediately** (ooer.)**.

"Ugh…it's all around me." Zelda gasped in her breaths.

Link looked into her eyes. Her eyes were wide with terror and her pupils were contracted into tiny dots in her deep blue iris. Link knew there was something wrong with her but he did not think it was this serious **(I know, hallicinations are completely normal. Not serious at all.)**.

(Zelda's Night Terror)-----------------------

Zelda looked around her whole naked body to see the sticky slime drip all over her. She could not move her arms and her legs were tied down to the floor.

She was breathing fast as the slime started to crawl up her belly and over her navel.

Zelda gasped as it climbed higher over her breasts. The sensations hitting her nipples like a train** (ouch.)** and she screamed for anybody to help her. But there was no help she was lost and alone in darkness.

Tears were falling from her eyes, as she knew that she was going to die.

"Please, I don't want to die this way." Zelda pleaded to the goddesses.

The slime coved her mouth and it continued until it closed over Zelda's head with her eyes still wide open in fear.

She kicked, she struggled and tried to break free but it was all too late for the princess.

(End of Night Terror)---------------------

"Zelda, Zelda, are you all right." Link called to her with tension in his voice.

Zelda was shaking her head left to right and she was still screaming with her eyes wide open and sweat dripping from her forehead.

Link had lay Zelda's body on her bed and he put a towel around her body to hide her private parts. He was thankful that Zelda had a sound proof room because he did not want the king of Hyrule to come in. What would he think of Link if he saw him with Zelda in this situation? **(If this author's got anything to do with it, he'd probably strip off the ole' royal garments and they'd all have a nice incestuous orgy.)**

Link had to think of something quick so he slowly grabbed Zelda's shoulders and began to massage them.

Suddenly Zelda's screams began to decrease. She was slowly starting to calm down.

Link gently kneaded her shoulders so all the stress in them slowly soften itself into the calm muscles they needed to be.

Link breathed in a sigh of relief as Zelda closed her eyes and she was now sound asleep.

Link started to work down her arms and legs, rubbing the tension away from them.

"I was lucky that Saria taught me some massage techniques when I was growing up in Kokiri forest." Link said to himself. **(I bet that's not the only thing she taught you...hor...)**

(Zelda's Dream)------------

Zelda opened her eyes to a soft sensation around her whole body she felt that she was inside a warm bed.

Then she looked around to realise that she was sinking in some kind of hot mud.** OMG KWICKSAND YAYS:ditherspaz:**

Her breathing began to quicken and she looked around to see that she was not alone.

To her left was a young girl with green hair. She had sunk up to her shoulders in the mud. To girl to her right was a female Zora and she had sunk up to her neck.

And right near Zelda was a young woman with red hair and her face was starting to disappear under the mud. Her hands were poking out of the mud in desperation for a last minute escape.

"Link, help, were sinking" the girls all cried out loud.

Zelda had some sort of chance since she had sunk up to her chest.

Then a shadow came from the distance in front of her. It was Link.

"Link, help and pull me out." Zelda shouted to him.

"No pull me out." The green hair girl cried.

"No pull me out." The female Zora cried.

"Help, I'm going fast. Ugh…" Shouted the young woman with red hair as her face disappeared below the surface, only her hands remained struggling to stay above the mud.

Zelda reached out her hands to her Hero.

As the head's of the other girls disappeared below the surface, Link reached out his hands in Zelda's direction.

"Here love, grab my hands." He shouted to her.

Zelda tried to lean close enough to grab Link, and then he suddenly grabbed the other pair of hands in front of her that were slowly disappearing below the mud.

Zelda was in shock as Link pulled that hands that were not hers and pulled up the young woman with red hair** (so now Zelda's not only a whore, but a selfish one as well. Hmm, sacraficing your own life to save another is such a bitch, isn't it?)**

"Thank you Link, you saved my life." cried the young woman as she embraced Link.

"Don't worry Malon, you are safe now." Replied Link as he lovingly stared into her eyes.

Zelda felt that her heart had just shattered into a million pieces.

"No, Link. What about me." Zelda asked, trying to get Link to respond to her cries of help.

"I love you Link." Malon whispered.

"I love you too Malon." Link whispered back to her.

"No, this can't be happening to me." Sobbed Zelda, tears fell from her eyes as her head disappeared under the mud.

(End of Zelda's Dream)------------------

Zelda fluttered her eyes open to see Link sleeping next to her in her bed. She was under the covers but Link was not under them with her. Instead he was holding her hand to comfort her above the covers.

'Was Link here all this time?' thought Zelda.

Zelda found that there was a towel wrapped around her body, she thought why did Link take care of her like this. Even if she was grateful that Link had stayed with her, a thought went though her mind that questioned if Link had loved her.

Zelda knew that Link had made many friends over the years. She often wondered why so many of the girls were so attached to him. Probably the same reasons that she was attracted to him.** Cause he had a big...sword.**

Zelda knew that Link had cared about her but she was questioning herself after having that dream she just had. Did Link just think of her as just a friend? Or dose he have hidden feelings for her?

Zelda slowly got from under the covers to her shoulders so that the top half of her plump breasts **(maybe I'm just weird, but I thought of Butterball chicken breasts when I read that) **showed above the blankets while still keeping her nipples hidden under them.

Link woke up and rubbed his newly opened eyes.

"Hi Link." Zelda whispered seductively in order to get Link's attention.** Whore.**

Link looked at Zelda in her eyes.

He thought that see looked better than before and a smile came to his face.

'Good he's smiling' Zelda thought. Her hopes were rising to the roof. **WHORE.**

"Good morning Zelda, it is nice to see you ok." said Link as he got up and walked back to the wooden chair to put his tunic on.

Zelda's heart sank to the lowest level. **:chants: W-H-O-R-E! Come on girls, let's keep it PG! **Tears formed in her eyes and she tuned over to cry her tears into her pillow.

Link was about to leave her room until he heard noises coming from Zelda's bed. He stood in shock as he saw Zelda one minute ago was happy to her being sad now.

"Zelda, why are you crying?" Link softly asked her.

Zelda spoke between her sobs. "Link, do you love me?"

Link was caught off guard by her question. After what happened last night he was not sure if he should tell her the truth of his feelings about her. Link did love Zelda but he knew he should not say those things when Zelda was suffering from the trauma she was having last night.

Link looked deep into her eyes and he had to answer truthfully.

"Yes, I love you with my heart and soul." Link said to Zelda's face.

"Why did you not make love to me?" asked Zelda. **(:screams until head explodes: OH. MY. GOD.)**

This threw Link way out of his comfort zone. He thought for a thew minutes as he worked out the right thing to say. He realised that the trauma that Zelda suffered from the day before had knocked her around but this was like walking in a mine zone, he had to be careful with what he was saying otherwise she could go into emotional destructive mode.** Too late.**

"Zelda, I don't understand what you are thinking right now but I would like to tell you that you were in no condition for me to make love to you. The attack you had from the Morpha slime monster in you bath tub had left you emotionally traumatised. I realised that when we were taking a shower last night and you had a night terror. If I were to make love to you last night when you were in that state of mind, then I would be no better than that monster that attacked you." Link spoke every word clearly and carefully so Zelda would understand.

Zelda looked at herself. She did not know that she had been so affected by her near death experience. She looked at Link with tears down her face.

"I'm so sorry Link, I was just so afraid that you did not feel anything for me."

"If I did not feel anything for you, would I have been bothered to stay with you?" Link asked her.

Zelda looked at her mirror.

Last night she thought that she was week **(:sings: MONDAY TUESDAY, HAPPY DAYS---)**, now she thought of the way she was behaving to be equal to a slut** Damn straight.**.

"Oh, Link. I'm sorry. I had just made a total fool of myself right now. I don't deserve you." Zelda cried into her arms hiding her head away from Link.** "You know what? You're right. You are a filthy whore and I have no interest in sexually promiscuous women! No siree**

Link took her arm with his hand. "Don't think of yourself in that way. You do deserve to person who you love. Just look at yourself in the mirror and be happy for the person that you see."

Zelda looked at herself in the mirror again. She could see herself and Link holding her arms around herself.

As she looked closer at herself, Zelda started to remember the wide words that Impa had told her about looking at herself in the mirror and appreciate the person that is there. She realised once again that you have to learn how to love herself for who she is in order to truly love another person.

Link noticed that Zelda was starting to feel better. He had a connection with her with the triforce on their hands and that allowed him to have some indication of what Zelda was feeling at that very moment. He leaned his head down to whisper into her ear.

"Zelda, I love you. I had loved you since the first day I met you. I love you because you give me the reason to live. A reason to fight for. A reason to survive any monster attack. Even if the monster had cut my heart out, ripped my ribs out, even raping my body against my will. You give me the strength to fight it and survive. You give me the reason to come home alive. You are the princess of Hyrule and I am horned **(horned:snerk:)** to fight and die for your kingdom. Not only for your kingdom but I will fight and die for you. That is how much I love you and it does much deeper than that. More than words can describe."

As Link finished his speech, Zelda looked at herself in Link's arms. She saw herself as the queen of Hyrule and she saw Link with a triforce crown on his head. Not only as a king but also as a hero. A brave night that had to grow up in the kokiri forest, travel around the kingdom and far off lands, fight and survive against evil and won the heart of a princess. This won him other hearts of many other girls across the land but he chose her out of all the others that were more beautiful than she was. This earned him the title of the Hero of Time and he was the hero of her heart.

Zelda spoke to Link as she started at herself and him through the mirror.

"Link, I love you. I have always loved you and I always will. You came into my life as nothing more than a small little boy and you became my first friend that was the same age as I was. Many princesses don't have that chance so you made me feel so lucky. As my kingdom went though 7 years of darkness, I had always hoped that you would come and save the day. And as I grew up all over again in the kingdom I have been so lucky to have now, you were still there. There were times I cried when you went away to far off lands. I had prayed for your safety. And when you came back, I feel that my prays have been answered. Even when you won the hearts of girls everywhere, you had stayed with me. You have saved my life countless times and I don't think that I would be still alive if it was not for you. I would have died if it was not for you. You are my hero. You are my Link. **Now fuck me already.**"

**Cue Link's obligation: **As their faces saw each other, Link and Zelda both kissed passionately. Finally their feelings were clear to both of them and they acted with their hearts beating close to each other. Zelda pressed her body next to Link and she felt his love for her through his tunic.

As Zelda was ready to place her hands on Link tunic and pull them up, Link placed his hands onto her arms to stop her.

Zelda broke their kiss and looked deep into Link's eyes.

"Why did you stop me?" she asked.

"This, I want to be sure that you are healed from your trauma** before we do the freaknasy in, oh---" :checks watch: "--three minutes**." Link said to her while holding his face in her hands. "From what I know from my experience is that sex should not be used for healing trauma** (:headdesk:)**. I want you to face your fear."

Zelda looked down, she did not want to go back into her bathtub again but what Link said was probably true. If he made love with her then she would be totally dependant on him. If he suddenly dies then she would never recover because of her emotional state. If she could face her fear then she would know that if or when Link dose die then she would have learned to love herself and be able to go on with her life and lead Hyrule to a prosperous future. **...Wow. That's REALLY fucked up.**

Zelda looked down at the water as Link had turned the tap on. Last time when she was in there, she was fighting for her life. Now there was no sign of any slime but she still felt some fear of facing something that had almost killed her.

As the water filled the tub half way, Link pulled off his tunic and hopped into the tub.

"Come on Zelda. The water is fine. As long as I'm here there will be no monster that will attack you." Link encouraged her.

As Zelda lifted her foot into the round tub, she suddenly felt old memories return her to her once more innocent days of splashing around in the bath** with Link at the tender age of twelve**. The water was warm just as she felt it was. Plus a little bit hotter as Link had tuned up the hot handle of the tap.** (...Isn't that a rather blatant contradiction?)**

Zelda slowly stepped her naked body through the water in the tub and sat down on Link's lap. She enjoyed feeling Link's soft skin behind her back and she moaned as she felt Link's arms massage her shoulders.

"Oh Link, this feels so good." moaned Zelda as **Link enterrd her sacrid feminun place and thrust into her a lot "ugh" she said "ugh ugh hug ugh"--- **she softly swayed herself in the tub. The water was moving around her skin and she could feel the relaxing feeling all over her body. **(God, this whole thing just wanks itself over and over.)**

Link leaned his head next to Zelda and he closed his eyes to study how she was feeling.

Link was slowly listening to Zelda's heartbeat and he felt safe that the princess had fully recovered from her trauma. **Link is so awesome. Just by listening to her heart beat, which I'm sure is just going "ba-DUM, ba-DUM" like every other normal person's heart on the face of the planet, he can immediately deduce that she is ready for a good old fuck! Egads!**

Without thinking, Link moved his hands lower to other places of her body witch made Zelda gasp in surprise. But she was not worried about that.

Zelda turned her body around and felt Link inside her.

"Oh, Link, love me please." Zelda whispered into his ear. **(GOD, she is such a fucking WHORE. She was RAPED, what, a couple of hours ago? And now she's suddenly over it? PLEASE, for the love of God, will someone tell this author what _life_ is?)**

Link nodded as he started to move his body with Zelda.

Zelda threw her head back in ecstasy, as Link was moving inside of her. **Where did the Correct Tense in this sentence go? Why, he ran off with his good pals Spelling and Subordinate Clause to go to the Grammar Bar before this fic began, why do you ask?**

Zelda gasped as Link made love with her.

She felt the heat of the sun, the glow of the moon, her mountains **(:sings: Lucky that my breasts are small and humble so you don't confuse them with mountains! Lucky I have strong legs like my mother, to spread them wide when I should need to!...Oh God, I love Shakira too much...) **meet the bath water river on Link's chest. Zelda was in heaven as Link was making love with her. The heaven that Zelda was in was the love that Link was giving her and she was finally happy not only with Link. But she was also happy within herself. (**Oh, I'm sure she was. Rape? What rape?)**

The End** Praise Jesus.**


	6. OW! My Epididymus!

**Hello, everyone! This chapter marks a milestone in that it is the story everyone has been waiting for...**

**_Zelda swallowed by a snake! _:fanfare:**

**This one was so much fun to wank in that it is so laughable just on its own without my comments...but perhaps my tirade will give it that little something extra.**

**Secondly, I'd like to adress the subject of the author'snote!fic that he entered on adultfanfiction-dot-net...It could be basically summed up by saying "Theres this really meen little bitch on the fanfiction website and she' bein so meen to me, you guys! Shes making fun of my storees but my storees are so good I don't understand why shes bein so meen:waaangst:"**

**Apparently I am making a "mokery" of him. Funny, I always thought I was "mocking" him; I have no idea what this "mokery" that he speaks of is. Really, hon, you want people to take you seriously? Learn how to spell at the level of the 21-year-old that you are.**

**I especially loved his reviewer who said I was a little slut. That made me smile. Really, it did. It always does when idiots make judgements like that. Not to mention those who thought I was stealing his work, by copying-and-pasting and claiming it as my own. Oh, _please._ I have always given disclaimers saying that I did not come up with these stories (and in the case of the last three chapters, I have quite forcefully asserted that I didn't even write a word of them). Whatever, arguing with dumbasses is a waste of energy in my opinion. That said, it was quite funny to read the comments of those who gave Tony a nice little comeuppance...Made my night, quite frankly, to witness his pity party backfire in such a way. As I write this author's note, he has already deleted his...no doubt because of embarrassment. **

**Thirdly, it seems as though one of his quicksand-worshipping groupies is out to get my ass, as he so thoughtfully put it. In the event that I ever were to be suspended from fanfiction-dot-net, I have considered creating a livejournal community where everyone can wank not only Tbone's fics, but any bad Zelda fanfiction they should come across. In short, it would be like a Zelda-themed Fanwank. For those who don't know what Fanwank is, it is an online community full of wonderfully snarky, witty, generally awesome people who make fun of fandoms and wank bad fanfics. Fanwank was perhaps my biggest inspiration for this "fic" and I think their credit is long overdue.**

**Fourthly: ZOMG disclaimer u guyz! Cause I'm a stoopid plagurizer!**

**I DID NOT WRITE THIS STORY. ONLY THE COMMENTS IN BOLD WERE ADDED BY ME.**

**And, fifthly...let's get on with the wanking, shall we?**

* * *

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine** (and we're damn lucky they aren't)**, they are the property of Nintendo and should not be used in any illegal way in order to make money out of them. is a public domain site where fans can write what ever they want as long as they acknowledge where the characters come from.

If any character is used in order to gain money then Shigeru Miyamoto will not be happy. **If having his life's work used for financial benefit merely makes him unhappy, I'm sure reading shitty smutfics like this would make him weep.**

Note: Dear adult fanfiction readers, this story is about Zelda being swallowed by a snake. This was one of the most controversial stories from my account (TBoneTony05) but I personally think that there are some **(Read: Every single human being with an IQ above that of a snail) **who are not use to my stories of quicksand and snakes. I am not the first one who has done this type of story but I am **certainly the first to do it in such a godawful manner that it makes readers gag **sure there may not be many adultfanfiction authors that have the same style I have.

So if you find this offencive then please don't read it. **(Sucks for you that I'm such a "meen bitch," huh?)**

Zelda swallowed by a snake.

(1st person perspective)

Tbone Tony

Hi I'm Zelda, 20 year old Princess of Hyrule** (Okay, rule number one? NEVER have your character greet the reader. It gives the impression that the writer is a third-grader.)**. Have you ever had the experience of being swallowed by a snake?** (Why no, I have not, actually.)** Well I had a scary intense experience one night that almost took my life **(And I bet you're gonna tell me all about it.)**. But in a way, it was also sexy **(:facepalm:)**. My heart beats every time I think about it** (You mean, your heart ACTUALLY beats? It doesn't stop or anything? Whoa!)**. For a positive** negative variable YMX+B DAMNIT!**, it helped me to get closer to Link and tell him about my true feelings for him.

Well here is the story.

It was a lovely night in the kingdom of Hyrule. A little too lovely for me actually. OK it was a HOT night.** Then it wasn't a lovely night. STFU.**

Anyway on those hot nights, I always have trouble sleeping. I felt hot under my royal blankets, sheets and even in my nightdress.

I felt so hot that my whole body was being tormented by a huge ball of fire that would be around my body until I died from dehydration** (Then drink some effing water, idjit.)**.

I felt that I needed to cool myself down so I took off my night dress from under my blankets.** Why didn't you just sleep on top of the blankets? Or would that not be "sexy" enough?**

I still felt hot so I took off my blankets only leaving a single sheet left to cover my naked body.

But I still felt hot so I took off my sheet and just laid there in my bead chambers.** I then decided to make some arts and crafts in my bead chamber.**

It was no use, every time I have a hot night, I have trouble sleeping.

I then realised something that I could do, in order to sleep then I needed to get so exhausted so that I could not get up even if I wanted to. I then thought about my 19 year old boyfriend Link.

Link and I had known each other since we were kids. He used to seek into my garden to try and see me.

Since I am the princess, I could not go outside the castle walls so I had to stay safe in my garden with no body my age to play with.** (No "body" to play with:snark:)**

That was until a boy snuck into my garden who had lost a ball that was kicked over by a drunken man.

I felt sorry for the kid so I helped him to find it.

We never found the ball **(WILSOOON:sniffle:) **but we did make great friends with each other and he asked me for my name and I asked him for his name.** WOW! That's, like, what every other human being in the universe does when they meet someone! What a co-een-ki-dink!** That is how I first began to know Link.

Years later, last year I think it was, an evil man called Ganondorf threaten to destroy my kingdom. Link came to help me and later on we saved Hyrule together.** And everyone reading this story probably knows that already.**

After all these years Link and I had been friends and we both have got along very well. But since a thew years ago **(who threw the years, now?)** I had developed feelings towards him, but as a princess I could never be with him forever** 'cause I'm a promiscuous slut**. I never had admitted my feelings to him so he dose not know how I feel for him.

Anyway I decided that I should try something to get to sleep so I closed my eyes and the only thing on my mind was Link. **Why not just drinking a cup of chamomille tea or something instead of jacking off? **

While my mind was drifting towards Link, my hands were slowly sliding up my body and my fingers softly touched my breasts.

"OH, Link." I softly whispered his name through my lips.

I was starting to feel relaxed but I was still hot.

I leaned up from my bed and walked over my sheets and blankets that were all over my bedroom floor. The window was locked and I felt that I needed fresh air so I used my left hand to unlock and open the windows that were looking out to my private garden. My right hand stayed rubbing my right breast to keep the stimulation there.

As I opened the windows, the cool air washed over my entire naked body.

"OH, this feels MUCH better now!" I gasped.

The sensations of the soft gentle wind surprised me as I rubbed both of my nipples with both hands and slowly walked backwards to my bed chambers.

I leaned back onto my bed and plopped **goes the weasel **onto it with my head facing the ceiling.

I used my right hand to quickly pull around my see though curtain around my bed so nobody can clearly see what I am doing.** Who could possibly see her? Does her room not have a door? Does she share a room with Impa? Is her bed located in the middle of the market square? Hmm?**

I positioned myself directly in the middle of my king size bed and continued to move my fingers around my breasts.

My nipples began to get hard as I slowly felt more aroused and comfortable. The wind was blowing the curtains around my bed chamber onto my skin and I was starting to breathe heavy from their touch.

"Oh my goddess, Link, ugh, ugh!" I panted as I was starting to imagine Link all over my naked body, touching me and stroking my legs.

My fingers moved from my breasts down to my womanhood, I was touching my blond curly hair where my private area was **(God, "my private area" sounds like something a six-year-old would say.) **and slowly inserted two fingers inside myself.

My eyes blinked open and shut many times as I continued to explore deep inside myself.

"Ugh, Link" I gasped as I imagined Link penetrating my barrier.** You know, you probably wouldn't be having this much fun if your hymen is still intact.**

I never felt so alive before in my life.

And it was all because I was doing something that I had never done before.** (And she's twenty years old? I find _that_ hard to believe.)**

My heart was racing off the limit and my breaths were erratic.

I was getting tired but I wanted to see and feel what would happen if I pushed myself all the way.

Then my eyes popped open and I let out a raw scream as my body went into a spasm **(:ditherspaz:) **and I had my very first orgasm.** Whee!**

"Ugh, ugh, so, that's, what it feels, like." I panted to myself.

Then I felt another one coming so I continued going until I climaxed again.

"Ugh, oh no, not another one, UGH!" I breathed as more continued to whack my fragile body around. **(Orgasm:punches Zelda in the face: Zelda: UGH UGH UHG GUH!)**

I felt I was in heaven, totally free from my rules and morals as a princess.

As each orgasm hit me, the more I felt tired and wanted to stop but my fingers still kept on rubbing.** Sounds like a pretty serious problem to me.**

"UGH, HELP, UGH, CAN'T STOP! UGH!" I screamed pleading for it all to end.

Then from out of nowhere, my fingers forced themselves out of my womanhood.** Whew, I was getting worried there.**

I then panted heavily as my body slowed down back to normal breathing rate.

Then I remembered the window, it was still open. My father always told me to lock my windows at night but after climaxing so many times I felt my body was too exhausted to move.

"Must, shut, window. Can't, sleep, yet!" I said to myself as I tried to resist the urge to rest but it was far too powerful to ignore.** Lucky night for all those smex snakes lurking about, hmm?**

My eyes closed as I gave up my struggle to get up and I rested my head on my bed. I'd just have to get up when I'm recover. **Who is recover?**

As I was sleeping, well I was not aware if it happened if I slept or if it happened when I had that barrage of climaxes.

Well somehow when my window was open, a huge snake slithered from outside in my garden into my room.** OMG SMEX SNAKE SQUEE.**

The next thing I knew of was that I felt sharp pains on my legs. I felt like my ankles were being tied with thorns.

I woke up and was taken by surprise as I saw a long tail of scales starting from my legs and ending on my bedroom floor.

I looked back at my legs and found a mouth that opened and closed it's upper jaw just above my knee caps.

The pain shot through my body as I screamed.

"AGH, what is happening?" I shouted.

Then as I looked closer at the jaws, I saw two eyes glowing dark yellow back at me.

Then I realised what was happening.

"Oh my goddess, I'm being eaten by a snake!** Oh deary dear! How unpleasant!**" I gasped as the words snake escaped my lips.

My heart started beating faster as the snake moved it's upper jaw back and I felt like I was slowly moving down my bed to where the snake had my legs on it's mouth.

"NO, got to grab something" I shouted to myself.** (What the fucking good is grabbing onto something going to do? How about trying to get your legs out of the snake's fucking mouth? Or did that even cross your mind?)**

I tried to grab the bars at the top of my bed chamber but the snake dragged me away from them.

I sat up and tried to move but the snakes enormous weight held my body to the bed.

I then tried to punch the snakes head but the head of the snake did not move as it continued to bite it's fangs into my thighs.

I tried to kick my feet inside it's body but my legs were already down the snakes throat and the muscles were too strong that I could not move them at all.

The snake continued to slide me back into its mouth.

My hands then shifted onto my womanhood as the snake opened its jaws again.

"Oh, no you don't." I shouted as I did not want the snake to put its tongue up inside me.** Strange, we have the same thoughts on that subject.**

But the jaws went up and its head jumped to take me off balance. Then the jaws clamped down all around me as I felt something hurting me painfully.** (It was hurting you painfully? Wow. I expected it to hurt you PAINLESSLY.)**

"OWW, my ...oooogghhhh." I shouted as the snake threw me strait back onto my bed.** (DAMN IT! This is where Zelda originally uttered that immortal line, "OW, my ovaries!". I was quite looking forward to reading it again, and I especially wanted to muse about what the original author said whenever HE got hurt in his "private area." "Ow, my prostate!"? "My epididymus!"? "My vas deferens!"? )**

I tried to move my arms but I found that I could not.

I looked down and I gasped in horror as I saw the snake had trapped my arms inside its mouth.

"Ugh, can't move. My arms are trapped" I shouted in pain.** Thanks for the memo.**

The snake had its jaws just under my belly and stabbed its fangs into my private areas.** There goes that "private area" crap again.**

I gasped for a breath, my mouth was dry and it hung open in shock.

I was panting heavy as fear overtook me. I did not know what to do.** Why don't you try, you know, fighting back or something instead of just sitting there making stupid comments?**

This snake was trying to swallow me whole and there was nobody to help me.

Tears were forming in my eyes as the snake continued to dig it's fangs into my stomach. It was hurting me to either breathe in or out. As my belly moved either up or down, the snake would apply more pressure onto my skin.

I struggled to move myself because the snake's jaws had me pinned to my bed, on my back.

As the snake got a good hold on me, it started to slide my body deeper inside the snake's throat.

As the snake was pulling my hips into its throat, I decided that the only one to save me from being swallowed alive was Link.

I decided to use my telepathic skills to try and reach him.

As I closed my eyes, I concentrated on the location of Link and not on the pain of the snakes fangs, digging further into my skin.

Then when I had my mind clear enough, I used my power to cry out for help.

"Link, Link help me. I'm being swallowed alive. I can't hold on. HELP ME" I cried my message out in pain as I had images of the present.

Link was asleep in his bed inside his tree house but as soon I cried out for help, he got up immediately and rushed outside his tree house from his village. **Hmm. I wonder if HE was sleeping in the nude as well. That would be interesting.**

"Link, I'm in my bedroom at the castle. Hurry!" I screamed.

Then I lost contact as the snake opened its jaws and once again closed them right on my breasts.

"Augh, oh no. Not my breasts." I screamed in pain.

The fangs dug into my nipples that send immense pain down my whole body. **Ow.**

My body began shake as fear overtook me again.

I leaned my head up and saw blood stains coming down my plump breasts.** (Butterball chicken!)**

The snake tightens its fangs onto my chest as I found it was hard to breathe. The jaws were crushing my body.

My eyes popped open as I felt something else.

As the snake continued to drag my body down, my belly was sliding down it's throat now. I felt something around my lower area.

My fingers were inside me but I did not want them in there.** (O rly:headdesk:)**

But the swallowing pressure of the snakes muscles made my fingers push themselves inside me and suddenly the snake was moving my fingers inside me.** That makes no sense. At all.**

My mouth gasped as I tried to force them out but with the muscles of the snakes throat all around my lower body, my fingers had no where else to go but to be inside my womanhood.

I gasped again as my fingers rubbed over my clit **(too bad your clit isn't "inside your womanhood", hon. Then again, we can only assume that the most experience the writer has ever had in this subject is by reading other smut fics. So I can't blame YOU, can I, Zelda?) **and the sensations I felt earlier began to build up inside me.

"No, not now, I, can't, control it!" I panted as I felt the power of lust wash over me, clouding my thoughts and halting my struggles to escape.

"Oh, please stop, ugh, ugh." I screamed.

But I could not stop myself.

My head faced the ceiling of my bedroom and the power of lust **(I don't understand. Is she "lusting" for herself? The snake? Ooer.) **made me slowly closed my eyes again.

"No, ugh, can't fall asleep, ugh, must, keep, ugh, open." I struggled.

The snake continued to drag my body further down its throat.

I could not keep my eyes open so I quickly closed them to try and telepath Link again.

I saw visions of Link rushing though Hyrule castle town on his horse Epona.

"Help, Link." I desperately called out to him. "I'm not sure, if I can hang, on much longer."

I saw the desperation on his face.** He was anxious to save me so he could fuck me himself.**

Then the image vanished as the snake lifted its jaws and struck my chin with its lips.

I tried to lean my head up but the snake's jaws held me down.

The snakes fangs missed striking the edges of my neck at each side but with them puncturing the bed mattress, I could only turn my head from left to right.

I found it hard to breathe with the snake covering most of my body.** You know, most people would.**

"Ugh, please, Link, ugh, come, soon, ugh!" I panted exhaustingly as I turned my head to the left and right.

My clit was thumping hard inside me from all the muscles and my fingers squashed around it.

Then as it was inevitable, the snake lifted its jaws and moved its head up.

"UGH, Link, Help" I cried as I felt like I was moving once more.

I slowly slid down and the jaws closed themselves around me.

Now I was inside the snakes mouth, the jaws were above my head and saliva matted my blonde hair flat.

The snake continued it's torture as I felt the swallowing muscles pull my head towards the throat of the snake.

I closed my eyes once more to telepath Link for the last time.

The heart was thumping with fear and with lust **(:headdesk: You know, regardless of whether or not you've got your fist stuck up your pussy, I'd think being eaten alive would probably clear all thoughts of "lust" from even the most perverted mind.) **but I tried to ignore them both as I needed to stay calm to communicate with Link.

"HELP, ugh, Link, ugh, I'm going" I struggled to make a complete sentence as the power of my insides tried to drown my efforts.

I was able to make out an image of Link running through my private garden until my will gave way.

"UGH, NO" I screamed as I felt an orgasm approaching and getting stronger. "Can't, ugh, give, ugh NO, UGH!"

I screamed as I climaxed, this would knock me out and I felt another one as my whole body was pressed harder by the swallowing pressure of the snake.

"Ugh, Help, Ugh, Ugh **(:sings to the tune of "Serenade" from _Eine Kleine Nachtmusik_: Ugh, ugh ugh! Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh UGH!)**, U..(gulp)" The throat muscles wrapped around my mouth to stop my cries for help.

I tried to move my head up so I could gasp one more breath but I was too tired.

I then sucked deep breaths into my nose until that was also shut by the throat muscles.

My eyes closed as they were sucked down and finally my head and my hair slipped inside the snake's throat. **Oh dear.**

Now I could not take another breath as the muscles trapped any possible space to breathe in or out.

I felt my body slide off the bed as the snake was probably moving me down it's stomach.

I tried to kick, punch, move inside but it was futile as the snake continued to swallow me.

My lungs were burning for air but there was none to take.

I cried as I felt my life pass though my eyes but my cries were muffled by the swallowing pressure of the snake.

I tried to stay calm in order to save the spare air left in my body, but with the snake's muscles moving all over my naked body, stimulating not only my thighs but also my breasts that were squashed to my chest. My nipples were hard and getting incredibly harder as they were caressed by the muscles of the swallowing pressure.

My orgasms continued to hit my body and soul as the swallowing muscles moved my body in rhythmic fashion.

Then my body shook with pain and pleasure as my orgasms crushed my body about as hard as the snake's muscles.

I tried to stop but I could not resist my primitive urges.** (:signs Zelda up for a "Masturbators Anonymous" clinic.:)**

My mouth opened in bliss and shock took over my body.

Then my body stoped moving and my heart stopped beating.** Zelda is ded, ohnoes!1!**

I felt some hot acid of the digestive process start to burn my entire body skin as my mind went blank.

This is it, I was going to die.

As my mind was in darkness, I felt something rip above my hair, I felt something grab me under my armpits.

I imagined myself being lifted up to heaven by the arms of a goddess.** (Le gasp! So Link is a feminine deity!)**

I began to cough and splatter all the slime from my mouth as I felt my naked body being washed by the sunlight.

"Zelda, Zelda, can you wake up?" I heard a voice, a voice I knew well.

I opened my eyes and I saw Link holding me in his arms. I thought that I was dead until I felt the blankets on my bedroom floor touch my feet.

"Zelda, thank god you are alive." Link cried as he hugged me.

My arms slowly came around his waist as I hugged him back. I was starting to breathe faster as I began to remember what had happened to me.

"Link" I asked him. "How did you save me?"

I then looked at the side of my bed chamber to see a long muscle body of the snake dripping in green blood staining the mattress. I saw the head decapitated at the side.** Funny thing is, they don't even clean the mess up before they have sex later (Ooh, sorry if I spoiled it for you. I'm sure you weren't expecting _that._). So they are pretty much just fucking with the snake's body and blood right there on the bed with them. Maybe Link gets off on reptile carnage. Who knows?**

"I saw your body slide down the snakes body" Link explained to me. "If I had not cut off its head to get you out then you would have been gone by now."** (:promotes Link to the position of Captain Obvious.:)**

"Thank you Link, Thank you for saving my life tonight." I cried in his arms as I was so thankful to still be alive.

This was probably the tenth time Link had ever saved my life and I was sure it would not be the last.

My sore arms slowly took Link's cap off and I slowly lifted his green shirt of to feel the skin to skin contact with him.** So she still wants some even after being swallowed alive. What a skank.**

"I love you Link." I whispered into his ear.

"I love you too Zelda." Link replied.

For that moment I felt so happy, I had finally confessed my love for Link and he felt the same in return.

I moved my arms around his neck as I deeply hugged my love of my life.

After hugging Link for so long, my body started to feel very weak.

The bite marks of the snake still were painful on my body and now I could feel them getting worse.

I collapsed on the ground as Link slowly let go of my frail body, he was surprised by my fall.

"Zelda!" he shouted to me. "What is happening?" **"I don't know, jackass, it's not like a snake was trying to eat me or anything a few minutes ago!" I screeched back.**

"The, bite marks, they are, still hurting me." I gasped.

I could not move my arms or legs, I felt that my hole body was made of stone.

"Don't worry Zelda, I have some red potion cream to rub over your wounds"** Yay! The deus ex machina of SMEX!**

Link then lifted my wounded body onto the bed and placed a pillow under my head.

My breathing began to get faster as I was not sure what was happening to me. I thought I was going to die again.

The snake's bites still stinging my fragile body, all I wanted was for the pain to go away.

I looked up to Link with only his tights on him**, I came to the disturbing realization that he was completely lacking in the bulge department**, he looked deep into my eyes.

"Listen Zelda, this may hurt a little but the pain will stop and you will feel better once I put the healing cream on you"** (You know, a period isn't just something that happens to a chica once a month---actually, I bet the original author would have no idea what I'm speaking of. Anyway, there are so many periods missing from these sentences the fic ought to be metaphorically pregnant. Joys. Baby!smutfics.)**

Link started at my ankles and suddenly, I felt some pain from the sores but they felt better as Link was rubbing the cream into my ankles. Then he was rubbing all over my legs right up to my thighs where the next lot of bite marks were.

I closed my eyes as Link started to rub the cream into my lower area around my belly where the third lot of bite marks were.

Then the hard part was the bite marks on my breasts** (...her breasts were "on the lower area around her belly", o rly?)**. Link slowly dabbed the cream on my nipples.

"Oh Link" I gasped.

Link was not distracted my me as he applied some rubbing pressure onto my breasts. He was gentle as he started to rub around my nipple then slowly around my mounds around in a circle.** (:reminds herself to never allow Doctor!Link to care for her if attacked by a snake, as he obviously ends up groping all his female patients:)**

I then felt the pain go away but my lust had stayed **(:headdesk:)**.I fluttered my eyes open to see the work Link had done on my body. I was completely happy to feel safe and revived from the creams magical effect.

Link looked deep into my eyes and asked.

"Is there anything I can do for you Zelda?"

A grin came to my face as I asked him one final request.

"Yes Link. Can you make love to me?"** (WHORE:rips hair from head: STUPID, STUPID WHORE:goes raving off into the night:)**

Link's face glowed red as I responded.

"Well, if you love me and I love you, then I feel it is the right thing to do.** Except, of course, in this situation. Honestly, Zelly, you were swallowed by a snake and were practically raping yourself less than an hour ago. However, since you obviously have some pretty treacherous hormones and a take-no-prisoners sex drive, I feel as though I am forced to comply to your bizarre wishes. Besides, what good is a smut fic if it doesn't end with hot, sweaty smex?**" Link said.

I nodded in agreement as Link slowly undid his tights and for the first time in my life, I saw Link naked.** I was very disappointed and felt my arousal disappear instantly, because Link's size could be easily compared to a baby carrot.**

Link moved himself on top of me and I closed my eyes once more.

'This is it' I thought. 'I'm finally going to make love with Link'

Link pressed his body against mine and I felt his **baby carrot **manhood go inside **my vegetable garden **me.

I gasped as I felt my barrier shatter inside me but my screams were muted by his loving kiss.

My tongue duelled with his tongue **(WIZARD DUEL OMG) **as Link started to move his body against mine.

"Oh Link" I murmured under his kiss.

My breasts were rubbing against his chest and I felt my swollen nipples **(so she's lactating now, is she?) **touch his hard flat nipples.

The sensation flowed through my body. Never in my life had I felt so complete.** Sorry, Zelda. But this is your first time. You should NOT be this happy with it.**

After a while, Link moved faster and faster on top of me.

I could feel something building up inside by body and it threaten to wash itself over me.

Link was rubbing my body hard and his chest began to squash my breasts.** Shoo shoo.**

I turned my head left to right as the sensation began to grow bigger, and larger inside me.

I felt like I was being swallowed again by the snake, only this time I could feel Link's body next to mine as he puffed and panted above me.

"Ugh, Link, ugh, Help" I gasped.

I could not control my emotions as I felt the snake swallowing us both.

"Hang on, ugh, Zelda, ugh, I'm coming." Link struggled for breath above me.

I moved my hips up as I felt myself bounce.

"Link, ugh, it's, ugh, the snake, UGH, swallowing, UGH, US!"** (O rly? Seems to me that Zelda needs to be working on her obvious sexual issues rather than spending her free time fucking...)** I cried painfully as I felt myself going over the edge. The traumatic memories were coming back to me but I knew that Link was here to protect me from the snake I imagined swallowing us.

"Don't worry, ugh, I love you, UGH, ZELDA!" Link shouted as he climaxed. **(I would like to take this opportunity to ask the original author to SHUT UP with the effing onomatopeias! Do you know how annoying it is when they are saying "UGH!" a billion times in every sentence? Then again, that should probably be the least of my worries about this fic...)**

"I love you too!" I screamed in one breath as I climaxed too.

Link's exhausted body fell on top of mine as we brought our heads together for one more passionate kiss.

"That was amazing!" I panted as we broke the kiss.

"To, me, you are, amazing." replied Link.** Aw. How _sweet_ of him.**

As Link and I turned to the side and we both held our bodies together, one thing came though my mind.

"Link?" I asked him. "Did you just imagine what I thought you imagined when you made love to me?"

"You, mean the snake?" asked Link in return.

"I had the same fantasy going in my head too." I confessed. **Ohemgee, they have the same fetishes. TRUE LOVE!**

I felt that I was weird for thinking like that, especially since I was swallowed by one. But this felt like it was safe.

"Hey, Zelda?" Link asked to my face. "When we make live again, I would like it if you imagined that we were trapped in quicksand." **(Kinky Linky:headdesk:)**

I was surprised to hear Link say that. Fantasise about sinking in quicksand while having sex?

I then thought about what I fantasised when we made love a minute ago. I felt that if I could fantasise the sensations of being swallowed by a snake while we made love then it should not be too uncomfortable to fantasise about sinking into quicksand.** (Congrats, you two are probably the only ones in the world to think of that while fucking. How does it feel to be so pathetic?)**

I then felt my bed mattress getting softer and softer. I felt my whole body becoming light and I felt my legs, hips and even my chest begin to sink into the soft middle part of my bed.

"Maybe it is possible!" I said to Link as the feeling of slowly sinking into my bed became evident.

This was going to be the start of the best love making stage of my life as I slowly kissed Link on his lips. **God, I feel really sorry for you then.**


End file.
